i had a craaaaaaazy dream last night.
i dreamt that i had a vintage store and bakery/ice cream/coffee/book shoppe, and i had a LOT of kids. like, my OWN actual human children. i don’t know how many, but these are the ones i remember - two little adorable black kids (a girl and a boy), a chinese girl, two white kids (also a girl and a boy), and a BUNCH of dogs. we were all sitting around outside on a bench at my business at lunch time with a ton of our friends and family, trying to remember one of the dog's names. in the dream - we were there for HOURS trying to remember it. when i woke up - i was trying to remember it for an hour, too. i just laid in bed thinking “what on earth was that dog’s NAME?!” i probably never knew it, but i finally settled on “savannah”. no clue why.
then squeak woke up and crawled up me under the blankets, and fell asleep with her face on my face. i am struck with a delirious happiness when she does that…. it’s like i’m falling through space. it’s the same feeling i had when my niece was a little baby, and she would fall asleep on my chest, or in my little neck crook, and i could feel every breath she took. it’s parental….
and when i had to move squeak to get up and get ready for work - i had this CRAZY realization - i am the exact same age carrie bradshaw was when she moved to paris with the russian.
WHAT?! HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
38 seemed ANCIENT to me, when it happened.
i was 26 years old when the final season of sex and the city aired, and i couldn’t WAIT to have the adventures she was having. i also liked carrie back then, which is an entirely separate and shameful issue.
in the final episodes, carrie gets ready to move to paris with her older, super famous and cool boyf - the russian. (aleksandr petrovsky). and Big shows up out of nowhere to suddenly fight for her, having figured out that she is actually who he wants. she tells him to eff off and plans on never speaking to him again. UNTIL he shows up at her hotel to save her. she’s just gotten punched in the face (kidding, she got accidentally slapped… but i wanted to punch her in the face the whole time i was rewatching the series a few months ago). he saves her, and they walk out of the hotel, onto the bridge. he says “its always been you, carrie”, they kiss, and live happily ever after.
until, of course, in the first movie where she flies off the handle because he got nervous about marrying her and ruins everything, and then in the second movie when she cheats on him with the forever dreamy golden granola boy, aiden.
carrie bradshaw - not a great role model.
but that’s not the point. the point is - i am at that age. that age where people figure it all out and settle down, if they haven't already. they probably already have a kid or five, or start adopting, or finally settle down with their long time partner. for some people it takes longer - but it DOES happen.
when is it going to happen for me?
IS it going to happen for me?
i have always thought i would wind up alone. maybe it's because i'm super strong and independent at the core of me, maybe it's just because i've always thought it was cool to be a dramatic and terrible girlfriend (awesome, right?) i don't know where it stems from. maybe just from not feeling love from my peers when i was a kid and teen, and that sort of formed how i thought i would be received as a partner in my adult life? i don't know. but i HAVE always thought that, no matter how many beautiful love affairs (relationships) i had - i would ultimately wind up very much alone. happily alone, albeit - alone by choice - but very much alone. and the last few years have really drilled that into my head. i absolutely have NOT wanted a relationship. i have been working on myself VERY hard for a lot of years. but something has changed within me... something is not the same. (i'm bringing it back, let it go.) in the past 6 months or so - i have gotten really relationship antsy, and i'm ready again. like, really really really REALLY ready. like - do you want to come over TONIGHT kind of ready. i want to fall in love again!
the realization i had after the carrie bradshaw realization was this - no one is coming to save me.
chances are there's no one out there who is thinking of me as the great lost love of their life… working hard on themselves to be ready for us, and planning to come and get me. chances are - noone is going to show up out of the blue and say "it's always been you, shelly", even though i told them we were never going to be together and eff off and moved to a different country with my cool, french speaking boyfriend. (that would be so great though, wouldn't it?) and the hardest realization of all? ross isn’t going to show up at the airport and beg me not to get on the plane… so i’m going to have no reason to get off the plane…
it's weird to realize that no one is going to show up for me.
i mean, i'm okay about it. i'm always okay by myself. i PREFER being by myself.
but just knowing that someone i used to love turning up and saying "i'm home. let's never be apart again" is just probably something that will only happen in my dreams - is strange. because i have felt so strongly in the past that that exact scenario WAS going to happen... someone WAS going to show up and change my life.... but guess what? it's time i change my own life. that whole romance may work for some people, but i've said it before and i'll say it again and again until i die... it's kind of my own personal mantra - i am my OWN greatest Love affair. that is MY story... and i'm very proud of that story, and what it stands for.
my whole life has been very full of romance, and for that i am SO grateful. it always hurts my heart when i hear girls/women talk about how no one is going to love them because they’re not beautiful, or they’re too fat, or they’re whatever. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. i have dated the most amazing, smart, talented, funny, beautiful, successful people - and they were all crazy about me! i was just crazy and drove them all away, but that’s beside the point. PEOPLE WILL LOVE YOU. and it has approximately zero percent to do with what you look like. someone will fall for that personality and that heart - and then you will be the most beautiful person in the whole world - in their eyes. and trust me - their eyes are the only ones that count.
so what is my plan? am i going to keep working hard on myself to be ready for a relationship, if and when someone new falls into my lap?
am i going to keep crying over relationships past because i wish all those people were able to still be in my life? probably a little less, but also very much yes. i miss certain people. i think one person in particular and i would have a GREAT shot at making a really spectacular forever now - but who knows. for the first time in my life i can say this with absolute truthfulness - i am not friends with any of my exes. and that makes me sad. can i honestly say that if one of them showed up today - i wouldn't be willing to give us another shot? no. i cannot say that....
i don’t know, honestly. am i destined to be alone? or with someone i've already dated? or with someone brand new that i haven't even met or considered yet? for the first time in my life, i feel like i am TRULY open to the idea of having a lasting, healthy relationship. i don't have anything that needs fixing, i'm not looking to anyone to save me or change me or whisk me away... i have a beautiful, happy life, and i would now like to add a special person TO that beautiful, happy life to make it even more fun.
it took me awhile to get here, but i am ready for that forever relationship. is my life perfect? nope. i have a ton of really specific and strange responsibilities that no one else i know my age has. and whoever i date now will have to - not only be okay with that - but help… just like i’ll help them with whatever is important to them.
there is a whole list of stuff i am meditating on attracting into my life this year, but Love is back at the top of that list, for the first time in a REALLY long time. and i know it’s going to happen. the power of attraction is SO immediate and plentiful, and i have been attracting nothing but heartache the last few years. i’m tired of doing that to myself and i’m ready to break that cycle and let all that negativity go. i’ve held on to certain things and relationships because i thought i needed my heartache to write and to be creative and to connect with other people- but i don’t. i don't need it. and i realized on the trip i just took to nashville - i've let it all go, and i didn't even notice when it went. all of a sudden - it just wasn't holding me down anymore... and isn't that always the way? you always think it'll be impossible to move on from something or someone or a certain situation or place or block of time in your life - but then somehow you're looking back at how far you've come and realizing that you actually moved on a long time ago and didn't even realize it was happening.
“there are far, far better things ahead
than any we leave behind.”
so if you’ll excuse me - i’m just gonna go keep getting them.