1. whats the scariest thing thats ever happened to you? thats a toughie, because i dont really have normal fears. i used to get scared that people i love would leave me- but everyone i've ever loved has left and im still alive, so... im not really scared of that anymore. i venture to say i could lose just about anyone right now, and it wouldn't really affect me. i dont think of it or feel it in the same way anymore. but normal stuff doesn't scare me. like, i confront strangers, i stick up for people, i climb over rocks and jump off cliffs and stuff... especially this year, ive become truly fearless. i do way more stuff than i should- im constantly putting myself in danger. like they say in Forgetting Sarah Marshall: "it's like there's nothing left to fear".... so, i'd say the most textbook scared i've ever been in my entire life, is when i thought i broke my hip a few winters ago. i was having HORRIBLE back problems, and i leaned down to tie my shoe one morning, and my hip made the loudest popping sound, followed by pain so intense, it made me deaf for a minute. it was awful. it was the only time in my life ive cried from just simply being scared. i tried to joke and be normal with people at the emergency room, but i was terrified and shaking inside all day. it was just awful. i dont think ive ever been so scared. i really thought that it would just be like that for the rest of my life, and eventually i'd wake up paralyzed. that day was horrible for my imagination. it really put me through the ringer. it was also the beginning of about 2 months where i could barely walk. we had to sleep downstairs in the apartment because i couldn't climb the stairs. i didnt break my hip- it was just my back, but it felt like my hip was broken for a long time after that. you know the position you're in when you lean down to spit your toothpaste out into the sink after you brush your teeth? i still can't hold that position or my back falls out the same way. its excruciating. my therapist later blamed all my back problems on my relational aspects at that time. i was in a wonderful relationship, but had someone who was trying to destroy that. and for whatever reason, i couldn't let go of either one of them. later obviously, we found out why, but my therapist had a very interesting interpretation of it all. i said to her "how on EARTH could that manifest itself all in my back?" my therapist asked me "when did your back start hurting?" and i said july of the year before... oh... no, june... yeah.. june..." and she said "what was happening during that time?" i said "well, i was breaking up with one person and falling in love with another. i couldn't let either of them go. it was torture." she said - "and what did you just say to me about your back that winter?" i said "i couldn't walk for 2 months." and she said "well then, isn't it obvious?' and i said "i guess not. i dont understand what my back giving out has to do with my relationships..." she came right back with- and i'll never forget this- "you couldnt stand on your own 2 feet... of course your back gave out. 2 different people were carrying you in 2 different directions, and because someone was messing with you, parts of you truly wanted to go both separate ways... they split you right down the middle, and you lost your strength. it's not your fault, they should have been more careful. there's only so much one person can take. and they both took everything." i was absolutely speechless. it was those words that finally freed me from my sorrow. and the weirdest part of all is that, with the exception of the teeth-brushing position i described above, now my back is fine. no problems at all. but you know what? yeah i can walk again.... but im also more alone than i've ever been, after everything that's happened. id give up walking again in a second to have my true love back. but then again... if it's gone, it was never true to begin with. so how could i want something back i never really had? i can't. and the knowledge that THAT love was never real either- is more scary than anything else.
