i'm addicted to vimeo. so much more than youtube.
and i found this video the day they posted it.
and i have a feeling its what started my whole melancholy mode the last few weeks.

the first time i watched this, i gasped, and covered my mouth with my hands, and just sat there silently sobbing and shaking as the tears streamed down my cheeks. not since the first time i saw tituss sing "quiet" had i had such an emotional reaction to something i could only see on video.

this somehow just completely captures what i want my life to be like. completely.
the fog. the water. the secluded place with only a few people. a secret spot that only we know. 
quiet. calm. happiness.
and then.... incredible magic.

i showed this video to my mother and all she said was "wow.... wow..... wow...."
and i said "this is what i want, mom. that day in newfoundland, looking into the foggy cove of mountains-
i pictured something like this. this is what i want." and she said "well - this never would have happened if they
were in a motorboat. it would have scared all the birds away...."

she was trying to be funny, but that was just an incredible insight for me. 
i went to my room, and cried for days, nonstop.
i feel like i'm the motorboat who scares all the birds away.
i'm big, and loud, and powerful. and sometimes i make a great ruckus, and push everyone away in my wake.
and i don't want to be that.

i want to be a row boat. steady and calm and quiet so that magical things can happen around me 
and take me along with them.

i want this magic again.
i had it once. i had more than i ever dreamed i would.
i had a love that made me feel like this. 
who wanted to create beautiful adventures with me and see the world and make magic of our own.
but its been gone for so long now, i can't even remember what it feels like to dream of such things anymore.
i don't know how to get it back. and i don't know how to make new magic.

until then... im just drifting... waiting for my next murmuration....