i had an interesting experience last friday. i got done with rehearsal early, so brandon and i decided to go to the movies. since i was already downtown i got there about an hour before the movie started so i grabbed a pretzel while i waited for him.

there are NO BENCHES by the theaters! i either had to sit in the lobby on the floor, down some side hallway on the floor, in an empty theater waiting to be murdered, or WAYYYYY in the back on the J street side on ONE LONE BENCH in the dark.

 so that's where i sat.

whilst sitting alone in the back of a dark movie theater hallway eating my pretzel and cheese (which i LOVE by the way, i had a VERY interesting flashback. i wasn't popular in school. ever. not until i got to college and was surrounded by people like me. not one day in the 13 years (including kindergarten) i spent in grade school and high school did i have friends to eat lunch with. for 13 years i spent lunch alone in a bathroom stall crying, or eating behind bushes, or in the band room behind a file cabinet, or behind the gym, or in the parking lot in my car...  and so on. because when i went around other kids, i was ruthlessly made fun of for my weight, clothes, anything. anything and everything. they would scream obscenities at me, tell me to go home and kill myself, hand me pictures they'd drawn of me, put tacks on my seats, grab my food and smash it into my face, poke my stomach, or any other number of horrible, bullying actions.

so i got VERY used to eating alone. i ate alone every single day. and thats what i felt like eating my little pretzel in the theater. i felt a kind of shame and embarrassment about eating in public that i haven't felt in probably 15 years. i felt myself starting to emotionally shrink.

and i hated that.

i shoved the pretzel in my face as fast as i possibly could and threw the evidence away, went to the bathroom, washed my hands, chewed some gum, reapplied my lipstick and exited the bathroom swearing to never eat in public again.

WHAT?! EXCUSE ME SHELLY BORT. this is YOU we are talking about. and you are awesome. so what is your problem? THERE IS NO PROBLEM. i kick so much behind its ridiculous. so why am i making myself feel like a scared, embarrassed, ashamed, unpopular 15 year old again? to be quite honest, not much has changed since those days. i was ALWAYS awesome and i'm STILL awesome. its just that no one knew it back then. im still big. i still struggle with self confidence. its still extremely hard for me to believe that people want to be around me because of ME and not because im friends with famous people.... i am a very insecure person and i have struggled with that every single day of my life.

i often wonder if i hadn't been bullied almost to the point of suicide in my schooling years if i'd still feel that way about myself today. i'm fairly certain i wouldn't. but i also feel like i have a strange advantage to people who have always been favored. I ACTUALLY HAVE TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF. whereas most of the universe- does not. they are surrounded by people telling them they are beautiful and worthy and so loved. i am not. i am single. none of my friends live in my town. i have stopped leading such a public life and have retreated more into the background. i am still ME- i am still awesome, and worthy and talented and caring. but i don't have people telling me so. my work is appreciated. other than that- i don't get compliments or support. ever. once in awhile marilyn tells me how lucky she is to have me as a friend, and that means gang busters. besides that- i am very much alone and on my own.

i HAVE to believe in myself. i have to believe that - not only am i still that 15 year old girl eating her lunch alone feeling embarrassed- but that there was NOTHING WRONG WITH HER IN THE FIRST PLACE. its OKAY to be that girl. its SUPER COOL to be that girl. because that girl is okay on her own. because she doesn't need the rest of the world validating her. i don't need anyone to think i'm worthy. i KNOW i am. because i believe in me. and I've always been the coolest person i know <3

this has always been one of my favorite songs about accepting love, and figuring out what we want.
i finally got around to recording it tonight :) i just wish the mic on my new computer didn't distort so badly :/
oh well. jrb this one is for you <3 these lyrics break my heart. thank you for writing them <3

I met a man without a dollar to his name 
Who had no traits of any value but his smile 
I met a man who had no yearn or claim to fame 
Who was content to let life pass him for a while 
And I was sure that all I ever wanted 
Was a life like the movie stars led 
And he kissed me right here, and he said,

"I'll give you stars and the moon and a soul to guide you 
And a promise I'll never go 
I'll give you hope to bring out all the life inside you 
And the strength that will help you grow.
I'll give you truth and a future that's twenty times better 
Than any Hollywood plot."
And I thought, "You know, I'd rather have a yacht."

I met a man who lived his life out on the road 
Who left a wife and kids in Portland on a whim 
I met a man whose fire and passion always showed 
Who asked if I could spare a week to ride with him 
But I was sure that all I ever wanted 
Was a life that was scripted and planned 
And he said, "But you don't understand --

"I'll give you stars and the moon and the open highway 
And a river beneath your feet 
I'll give you day full of dreams if you travel my way 
And a summer you can't repeat.
I'll give you nights full of passion and days of adventure,
No strings, just warm summer rain."
And I thought, "You know, I'd rather have champagne."

I met a man who had a fortune in the bank 
Who had retired at age thirty, set for life.
I met a man and didn't know which stars to thank,
And then he asked one day if I would be his wife.
And I looked up, and all I could think of 
Was the life I had dreamt I would live 
And I said to him, "What will you give?"

"I'll give you cars and a townhouse in Turtle Bay 
And a fur and a diamond ring 
And we'll be married in Spain on my yacht today 
And we'll honeymoon in Beijing.
And you'll meet stars at the parties I throw at my villas 
In Nice and Paris in June."

And I thought, "Okay."
And I took a breath 
And I got my yacht 
And the years went by 
And it never changed 
And it never grew 
And I never dreamed 
And I woke one day 
And I looked around 
And I thought, "My God...
I'll never have the moon."

so i am trying a new therapy process, and step 6 is to answer these questions.
i haven't read them yet, i just copied them, and i'm about to paste them here.
it says to answer them quickly, and honestly. your gut reaction is what you want.
the purpose is to help identify some core principles of who you are and how you think
and to then break it apart and look at it scientifically. who am i? do i WANT to change?
what is GOOD about me, and what do i think needs work? what are my patterns?

here we go!

6. Complete Your Sentences
Below are some incomplete sentences that, if you finish them spontaneously and frankly, will put you in touch with basic aspects of your Self. You can st down one or more completions for each sentence.

I am… shelly bort.
The main thing about me is… i'm musical.

I always… fall for people who leave me.

I feel most like me when… i'm sitting behind a piano and singing at the top of my lungs with my eyes closed. also when i'm out in nature, swimming, walking through hills, in the wind, in the rain... and when i'm being really goofy and silly.

What I like most about a person is… a sense of humor that matches mine. kindness. loyalty. strength. emotional availability. able to speak about feelings.

I will be… getting my own place again soon.

I get angry when… the people i invest time, effort and love in treat me as though i don't matter.

I feel happiest when… i'm looking in the eyes of the person i'm in love with.

I believe in… giving people the benefit of the doubt. not personalizing. removing self. breathing. patience. taking my time.

One thing I want to accomplish is… being in a movie or tv show.

What I like most about myself is… i push myself to grow and change and understand and be a better person every single day.

I hate it when… people aren't honest with me.

I was… someone who found their identity in being a victim. i am not that person.

I feel least like me when…  i'm forced to perform as ME and not a character, like at a party or event where people come up EXPECTING me to be a certain way... i feel like i disappoint them by being calm and quiet.

I feel weakest when… i think about all the people who promised they would never under ANY circumstances leave me, and then left so easily.

Read more: http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2008/05/a-dozen-techniques-for-ending.html#ixzz1sp4k1weh

wow. okay that happened! now to do the work! :)

i love my backyard.
its one of the things that keeps me here... and keeps me coming back here...
the pool... the flowers... the expansion... the lemon trees...

i am always SO happy in my backyard.
here are a few of my favorite things <3