Category: 1

new years resolutions 2012

12/29/2011

since i've been making my Summer, Fall and Winter check lists,
i haven't really been thinking about resolutions much. im actively moving toward big goals ALL the time.

so i thought for this year, i'd just resolve to some little things that others might not deem important,
but cross my mind as things i should be doing ALL. the. time.

New Years Resolutions 2012

- write letters to my pen pals EVERY week
- write thank you cards
- see bug at LEAST every 3 months, and when possible, see her EVERY month.
- lose as much weight as i can this year
- find balance between being a hard ass and being a push over
- don't expect... anything. be ok when i get absolutely nothing in return.
- move to LA
- practice
- keep moving forward.
- be good to myself.

2011 was extremely strange for me. i kind of wish i could just erase this year completely sometimes,
but with it would go amazing times with my dogs, my favorite 2 visits with bug EVER, new best friends,
incredible gigs, a pirate ship make out, more time with my best friend and auntie june than i've had in the last 5 years, great dates, great kisses, great laughs, great food and drink and talks, my business, hope, change, growth,
a million other things, and the realization that its possible to actually function without the one thing you love most...
i also finally figured out what that one thing is...

life can be cruel.
but it'll be just as amazing to make up for it.

take the good with the bad. keep floating. keep breathing.
smile when it hurts most, and encourage those you can't imagine losing to move on without you.
let go.
and let it all in.

you'll be fine.
we all will.

i have noticed i...

12/19/2011

i am starting this list on my birthday, november 26, 2011.
in a month or so, i will finish it and post it.

in the past month i have noticed:
- i say "dude" as a coping mechanism ALL. THE. TIME.
- i don't like it at all when people make fun of my fear of sharks or spiders. they are like, almost literally the only things im afraid of. im not mocking you, wtf are you mocking me?
- i am TOTALLY. ADDICTED. to twilight. totally. totally and completely in every way possible.
- that i don't exercise my dogs enough now that its cold. that will change.
- that i have officially declared sleeping at last as my "favorite band" more than 100 times.
- i am addicted to waffles.
- i am addicted to working again.
- i LIVE the song "turning pages" by sleeping at last EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. i hear it. absolutely live it.
- i have changed my falling asleep playlist from american dad and sunny in philadelphia to the colbert report.
- i want to talk to marilyn at least once a day if not 500 times.
- i have gained back all the weight i lost. my body just can't decide what's happening right now.
- i. LOVE. being. bald. i've never felt so free, or so comfortable with myself.
- i lost my lust for collecting vintage suitcases this year. that was replaced with collecting sheets & blankets.
- i dream about taylor lautner being my boyfriend at least 5 nights out of the week.
- that in the last few months my want for a boat has shifted to a lesser priority. i want an rv first. THEN a boat, and im set. i may reschedule the boat purchase for 2013 and move the 2013 rv plan up to 2012. plus, i just want to get out of here and be on the road for awhile... NOW...
- i'm ok.
- i enjoy admitting when im wrong and being shown a brand new perspective that is superior to what mine was.
- giving sarah and beki voice lessons and seeing them leave more open and happy is one of the greatest joys in my life right now.
- i instantly size up absolutely EVERYONE i meet, never forgetting for a split second that 1 in absolutely every 10 people is a socio/psychopath.
- i have come to think of gender as an illusion.
- "turning pages" is my new "between the lines".
- i feel an introverted stage setting in again.
- i love sewing.
- all roads lead to you.
- slow and steady wins the race.

who i am today

12/11/2011

TEN things you wish you could say to ten different people right now:
1. thank you for last night. whoo!
2. you're pretty.
3. marry me.
4. get here already.
5. you're cool.
6. ask me out already!!! its getting awkward.
7. every time i think about you, i want to punch you in the face.
8. i admire your mad stitching skillz.
9. back off.
10. get it together.

NINE things about yourself:
1. my body feels like it's falling apart today. no joke.
2. i've always wanted to be pretty whilst secretly hating pretty people at the same time.
3. i judge you if you end sentences in "at", or say "seen" instead of "saw".
4. you gotta work for it.
5. if i think you're worth it, i will never give up. you're going to have to tell me flat out to leave you alone if you want me to go away.
6. adopting my dogs was the best thing i've ever done with my life.
7. marilyn thinks im a man magnet.
8. i collect french stuff, reindeer figurines, and cool bottles... among a LOT of other stuff.
9. onward and upward.

EIGHT ways to win your heart, in no particular order:
1. be absolutely brutally honest.
2. make fun of me in a good way.
3. wink at me.
4. don't ever belittle or talk down to me.
5. go out of your way to make sure i know i'm important to you.
6. have a really cool, totally random skill.
7. be genuinely kind... be genuine.
8. be able to hold my gaze while everything else is moving... be able to be still with me...

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot, in no particular order:
1. i dont want this anymore God, just take it.
2. where are the dogs?
3. she would make a great s&bb model
4. i wonder what they're thinking
5. i miss john john
6. i miss beebs
7. "come on shell..." in samantha's voice

SIX things you do before you fall asleep:
1. stretch
2. meditate
3. check all the online stuff
4. watch tv on my computer
5. cuddle with the pups
6. text beebs

FIVE people who mean a lot to you:
1. bug
2. beebs
3. bearbls
4. john john
5. momsy & popsicle

FOUR things you're wearing right now:
1. shirt
2. underoos
3.
4.

THREE songs that you listen to often:
1. "turning pages/instrumental" by sleeping at last
2. "turning pages" by sleeping at last
3. "all this to say" by sleeping at last

TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. fall in love
2. live in venice

ONE confession:
1. i can't wait to get out of here again.

winter check list PREP!

11/17/2011

6 Comments

im starting to make a list of 30 things i'd like to do over the next 3 months.
and i'm having a hard time finishing it. i have about 15, some of which are things i KNOW im not
going to get checked off of my fall check list.

i need help!
do you have any ideas of things that would be good for me?
goals? stretching myself? not things like "sky dive", or "eat something new every day"...
i have all those big ones. i need the little ones. like, "watch a certain amount of sunsets"
or "auditions" or... things like that.

ideas?! :)

here's my SUMMER CHECK LIST and FALL CHECK LIST for ideas...

6 Comments

who is in my life. and who is not. (my guide for living)

11/17/2011

i have a lot of people talk to me about friendship.
friendship to me is a funny thing. its a two-sided thing.
its an honesty thing, and its work. wonderful rewarding work, but work. a lot if it.

the best friendships can feel like they're NOT work, but let me tell you- they still are.
i have 2 good friends that live in town. marilyn, and alicia. and it is WORK for us to see each other.
there's scheduling, and money, and distance, and.... and... and...
all my other friends are scattered around the world. and we have to WORK to stay in touch and to stay an
ACTIVE part of each others lives.

people filter in and out of my life. that's fine. i bond with people quickly because i am an open, optimistic person
who really wants to connect and share with people. this leads to some foibles on my part.
and just because you're part of my life one day, does not necessarily mean you will be part of my life the next day.

this also doesn't mean i cut people out for no reason. and, unfortunately, i have found it necessary to cut a lot of people out of my life in the past few years. because of what i learned through my relationship with the internet predator and what happened as a result of that, it has made it unflinchingly easy to cut emotional ties, even with the closest friends, when i see a red flag.

let me tell you what i do not allow in my life first, so we can end with the positive.

FRIENDSHIP DO NOTS

-i do not associate with sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists, co-dependents, liars, cheats, gossipers, people who stir up drama or negators.

let's break that down.

if i feel that you are a socio/psychopath, i.e. - if i get the feeling (or find out) that NOTHING you say to me is true, that everything you ever say to me or anyone else is a lie, or its proven to me that that is true- i cannot have you in my life. there will be no discussion. i will just do what is necessary to distance myself from you, and that will be it. i won't try to turn the world against you (unless people i care about begin to emotionally invest in you, i will tell them of my experience with you, and hope they do what's right for them.) i'm not out to get anyone. most of the time when i "cut someone out", their name is never spoken in my life again. im just very truly- done.

if i feel that you are a narcissist, i.e. - if i notice that whenever we talk, you have never once asked me how i am, never once, in 10 years of friendship, or 5, or a year, or whatever. if i notice you feel the need to tell grand stories about your life that i KNOW aren't true. if there is absolutely no reciprocation in the "Friendship" at all- i cannot have you in my life. i can't feel like people are using me. this goes for the above socio/psychopath. i have had a TON of people USE me over the past few years. use me because people they idolize people who know who i am, so they figure if they're friends with me, they can get to the famous people i know. this is such a mind-eff. i can't even describe it. to look around at my life, and realize that not one person is actually my friend for me. they are all just using me to getto someone else. i cannot handle that, and i do not tolerate it. and if at any time i feel like you are using me- that will be the end. on the same note, if i feel a change in you like, all of a sudden the ONLY THING you care about is being known for something, being the best actress, singer, stand up comedian, designer, blogger, bride, pregnant woman... whatever... if your ENTIRE life becomes that- and there is no room for lowly me anymore, no room for your own personal growth anymore, no room for anything anymore but your current obsession of being noticed- why would i stick around? i have no interest in watching your life online. i want to be PART of it. not just there so you can tag me in the background of some picture.

if i feel that you are a co-dependent, i.e. - if i notice that you need to talk to me all the time, if you are way more invested in me than i am in you, if you need me to call you multiple times every day and you have to tell me every single thing that happens to you, or if i start to feel co-dependent with you in any way- i will take a step back. i have to be smart about my friendships. as i said, i form bonds quickly with people. so in my brain, if i'm bonding with you- you are the same kind of honest person i am. this has gotten me mixed up with so many liars, and manipulators, and users. if i feel you are a co-dependent or i feel like im becoming dependent on you - that is a HUGE red flag to me now. huge. we will have to take our relationship very very slow and be mindful of that. or possibly- just not have one at all. i have no interest in repeating old behavior and past mistakes.

if i feel that you are a liar - i cannot have you in my life. full stop. end of discussion. if i find out that you've even lied to me once- about anything- its hard for me to trust you ever again. simply because of what i've been through in the last few years, i cannot have liars of any sort in my life. and that goes for- if i tell you something in confidence and find out you told someone- anyone- it's over. i cannot have my confidences breached. this is such a betrayal to me, and i can't see past it. i know everyone makes mistakes, i certainly do, but liars are such a red flag to me. i cannot allow that influence in my life. ever. i would go so far as to say- if i have a sneaking suspicion that you aren't being fully honest with me, i will pull away almost completely. i just can't be around people who don't have my best interests at heart anymore.

if i feel you are a cheater, i.e. - if i know you cheat on your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, if you're trying to cheat with me, or trying to get me to cheat with you, if i see you get places by using people, if i catch you riding someone's coattails... all of these are red flags. and if we begin by cheating, why would i EVER think you wouldn't cheat on me? i don't believe the phrase "once a cheater always a cheater" is true. because i used to be a cheater. i used to be the kind of person who felt so bad about themselves, that if anyone showed me attention, i would just run to them. but i have turned around so much, it's completely embarrassing to me to ever admit i was EVER that weak, no matter what the reasons were. i can't imagine being a cheater now. in relationships, or friendships. to hurt people who invest in me on purpose is unthinkable. and therefore, i cannot have cheaters in my life. in any way. even if your cheating isn't aimed at me- you are still a cheater. and i can't have that negative influence around me.

if i feel you are a gossip - i can't be around you. there is a big difference to me between sharing information, and gossiping for sport. i am a sharer of truth. like i stated above- if i know for a fact someone is a socio/psychopath, a liar, a cheater, whatever, i am not shy about speaking my mind and trying to protect the people i love from your manipulation. but i'm not in control of people. we all need to make up our own minds. and i have lost many a good friend to a manipulator after i've spoken my mind about it. i told my friend that this person was bad news, and they in turn told the manipulator what i said, and got manipulated right away from me. that's ok. but rest assured if you hear me say something about someone, its something i have experienced MYSELF as truth. i don't make up stories about people for fun, and i don't share half-information... if i say something as truth- it is truth. and therefore, i can't have people who gossip up random stories about people in my life. its just so hurtful to do to the people you claim to love. i would never gossip about my friends. ever.

if i feel you thrive on drama, or are a constant negative force- i cannot have you in my life. i have worked so. hard. the last few years to rid my life of negative influences. this blog is another step to further that progress, and maybe explain a little about why i am so steadfast in who i allow in my life and who i don't. after you're betrayed by the people who are closest to you, you begin to evaluate- not only how you make decisions about your friends- but how you make decisions about EVERYTHING. despite all that i've found myself caught up in in the past few years, i am a fantastic judge of character. sometimes it takes a bit for me to see someone's true colors because i really do try to give people the benefit of the doubt. but once i see a red flag as noted above, i quickly put the rest of the pieces together and can make my decision quite quickly. i had this conversation with marilyn last night- if i feel like my life is calm and happy and running smoothly, and then when YOU are around it's dramatic, and i'm hurt and questioning myself and others, and you make me feel bad about myself, you make me feel like i don't know who i am or you think i need to CHANGE myself.... you are a negative influence. if every few days or weeks or something we have an argument or misunderstanding that goes beyond normal "getting to know you" kinks (because i never truly argue with my best friends because we all work hard to understand each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt- ALWAYS...) you are a negative influence. and i will not be able to have you in my life.

i am an open and honest person who wants nothing but honest friendships and connections.
if you come to the table bringing lies, manipulation, need, drama or negative attitudes, i cannot have you in my life.

and i am greatly criticized for this. there are a lot of people out there (that are no longer in my life) who think i'm a horrible person for how i conduct my life. for cutting them out based on the list above. but you know what? i can live with liars, manipulators, narcissists, gossips, users, sociopaths, and cheaters hating me. that doesn't bother me at all- no matter who they are. no matter if they're a random stranger, or if they're an ex-best friend, or if they're family- i can handle it. because if you have a problem with anything on the list above- sorry to say- you just might find yourself on it. because whether you write your list out like i have done or not, the only people i am interested in having in my life are people who live their life with the exact same list. because if you make excuses for the behavior above, it means you allow yourself to be influenced. and that means i can't trust you. on the same note- if you take everything i say as gospel without figuring it out for yourself, we will have problems. because i have no interest in being catered to. coddled. we all have to be strong and think for ourselves. and if that bonds us, wonderful. and if that separates us, so be it. but that's the only way our lives will be what we WANT them to be... is if we have a CLEAR. PLAN. and this is my plan.

and the last thing on this list which i did not list above, is- if i feel that you simply don't value me like i value you, our relationship will come to a close. i have had this in the past, and have let it go on for months, and YEARS. its so damaging to one's self esteem. but i have reached the age where i don't WANT to be friends with people just to be friends. i want to be friends to HAVE FRIENDS. to have experiences and adventures, and love and life, and support and give support, and... and... and... and if i feel like, at any time, i'm not getting back what i'm giving- i will talk to you about it. i will say "i feel like this relationship is one sided, and its hurting me." and sometimes i'm doing something that is hurting the other person that i don't even realize, or sometimes they just say "ok! i'm sorry!" and we move on. but NOTHING is solved by keeping silent. sometimes they say "oh no no no. you're SO important to me. i can't imagine my life without you." but then don't talk to me for a month. or two. don't involve me in their life in ANY way, let alone be an actual friend who SHARES their life with me... and the list goes on. it is then that i feel it necessary to bring the "Friendship" to a close. like i said- people filter in and out of our lives. sometimes its 6 months. sometimes its a year, or 5. sometimes, unfortunately, its 15, or 20. but that amount of time is still a cycle. and its still ok to outgrow people. i don't HATE these people for growing past me (anymore, last year and previously i have felt unbelievably betrayed by people who drop me. but now i realize its just part of life to outgrow people) - and i don't think acknowledging its time to move on makes me a bad person or makes them bad people. we grow up. our interests change. our plans and values change. its natural. its FINE. but when its time to let go of a friendship, i do. for whatever reason, it has become something that is so cut and dry for me. people don't understand how i can just "Drop" someone i've been close with for 10, 15 years. well, the answer to that is- no one is ever just DROPPED from my life. it takes considerable time and consideration and honestly- hurt, on my part to move on from a friend permanently. its no small thing to get to that place. but when i make the decision, i take comfort in my reasons, and truthfully, its actually VERY easy for me to move on from someone i can tell doesn't care about me. very, VERY easy. because its in the actions. not the words. and if they can never be bothered to make time for me, i can't be bothered to make excuses for them any longer. no matter who they are and no matter what we once meant to each other. they are now a negative influence. and are no longer worthy of a spot in my life, just like they have shown me i am no longer worth their time.

so those are my friendship don'ts.
let's now focus on the do's :)

FRIENDSHIP PLEASE DO's

-i associate with truth seekers, well balanced individuals, mature creators, young-at-heart adventurers, honest engines, encouragers, steadfasts, people who stir up inspiration and excitement.

let's break that down.

if i feel you are a truth seeker, i.e. - if i feel like you are someone who loves to figure things out, who never lies, who yearns for honest connection with other people, who is greatly flawed (like me) but is honest about the fact that there's nothing wrong with that, and wants other people to be comfortable in their journey too - i will fall for you. big time. (like the play... cool play ;))

people who are brutally honest just capture my heart. i value honesty above all other gestures. its a good friend who can say to me "you're wrong and here's why", and it opens my eyes and helps me change. THOSE are the people i want in my life. people who want the best for each other. not people who tip toe around, worried they're going to hurt my precious feelings and allow themselves to be walked all over because i have no clue i'm doing it. stick up for yourself. you KNOW i stick up for MYself. we're equals. assert yourself.

people who, may be a little crazy as we all are, but for the most part are WELL BALANCED individuals. it is no small thing to be well balanced. its taken me almost 34 years to get there. and i still have my moments of feeling on shaky ground and not really knowing who i am, but i am consistent in how i treat others, and how i allow myself to be treated. and THAT is what i mean by well balanced. people who are putting in the time to figure themselves out- no matter HOW hard that is, and no matter how much it hurts to dig deep into yourself. they are trying to grow and figure things out. and to be good people along the way.

people who are creative and dramatic- in the GOOD way. not the crazy theatre people who can't keep their pants on, or have to have drama surrounding them every minute. the MATURE creators. the ones who are in it for the craft, and for the love of connection with other creators.

the young at heart adventurers! because no matter how much i mature and solidify my mind and resolve, i will always be a kid at heart. that will never go away. i will always laugh loud, and not mind getting dirty, and leave on a road trip at a moments notice, and spend all my money doing something recklessly fun... and i long to surround myself with those same spirits.

the honest engines. the ones who are truth CRUSADERS. to the BONE. the ones who would never lie to you to spare your feelings because they know that sparing your feelings isn't being honest, and therefore- is not in your best interests.

the ones who encourage and want everyone to succeed. who will applaud you from afar, and who inspire you to applaud the world as well.

the steadfasts. those who cannot be moved to the bad side no matter WHO goes there before them. they could watch the entire WORLD walk into the sea, and they'd still be the only ones standing on the beach in the wind, watching the sun go down, and watching the world fade away. knowing that even though they are completely alone in this moment, soon the tides will change and the sun will rise, and it will usher in a new beginning.

the ones who breeze into a room and the entire room starts to glow. the sunshine souls. marilyn said we are like that, last night. it made my heart soar. the inventors and creators and breaths of fresh air. THESE are my friends. these are my life. these are the people i have worked SO. HARD. to surround myself with. to cut out ALL negative influences and focus on them. they are worth what it took to get here. i am worth it too.

and one last way im able to live as i do. since my 5 year old niece has become my reason for, pretty much everything, its gotten really easy to determine who i should be around. i simply think: "would i want this person holding bug?" and if the answer is no, they are out. and that simply, is it. and i just don't think that makes me a bad person. sure. i've started living my life by a bit of a code. after what i've been through, i have to. i had to go back and re-evaluate absolutely everything this year- because i was investing in ALL the wrong people. i had NO code. if you wanted in, you were in. and you got my whole heart and soul with absolutely no work or proving that you were worth it. and that's not what friendship and love is. its work. you should HAVE to work for my heart. i have to work for yours... love and friendship is proving yourself worthy TIME after TIME after TIME. i've had to... why shouldn't you? why shouldn't i EXPECT you to? i'm not perfect. no one is. but i don't want to EVER be a negative influence in the world. i don't want to bring people down. to hurt. to take. to manipulate situations to my favor. i DON'T want to be that. i don't want to BE that.

i want to give people power. power to make themselves strong. to hand them on a silver platter some of the strength i have accrued through my experiences and to say to them- IT IS POSSIBLE TO HAVE A HAPPY, STABLE LIFE. some of us have things thrown at us that make blogs like this necessary. some people will NEVER understand what i'm talking about because they will never experience a FRACTION of what i've been through. and i haven't experienced even a GLIMPSE of what some other people have been through. i am a weak, young, immature baby compared to some of the people out there. but for who i am today, to myself, this is how it has to be. this is how i choose to live. with these guidelines. and these expectations of myself and others. i'm not saying you can't be the things i listed. i'm just saying i simply can't be around them. i have no expectations of you. it's up to me to make my life what i want it to be. and right now, this is how i have to do it.

i would NEVER hurt anyone the way i've been hurt.
so why would i EVER allow it to be done to me again?

Birthday Partay

11/15/2011

my bday is in a few days :)
in like, a week and a half actually.
i had big plans for this year, but like every year- the closer it gets- the faster i lose interest in it.

i always get really sad around my birthday. i kind of mope around thinking "another year gone..."
but this year, despite its challenges, really was a banner year.
and i'm approaching this year thinking "another year gained..."
the trick is- you can't have one without the other.

i've become a non-celebrater of my birthday. i think the accomplishment i feel from just physically and emotionally LIVING through yet another year is reward enough. i don't need a partay to make me feel good about myself, and i don't need a reason to celebrate all that i am. i do that every morning and every night. not in a horrible "i'm so amazing" way, but just in a "sure. life is hard. but look at all that's happened..." kind of way.

although if i DID have a partay- this is what i would want it to look like <3

all images via pinterest

i'm too worn out from this year to create any of this magicness for myself. so if anyone wants to volunteer ;)

in all honesty, all i really want for my birthday is an open ended plane ticket and 3 grand for hotels & spending money.
so if anyone has cash to burn and is feeling generous...

10 little things.

11/14/2011

here are 10 LITTLE WAYS i chill out <3

1. rocking.
since i don't have a headboard on my bed anymore, i love to sit up really straight against the wall, and just gently rock back and forth, like, half an inch or so. not falling off the bed or anything. it settles my back (which hates me) and it calms my spirit. sometimes i catch myself in public rocking back and forth. thats when i know my subconscious was thinking about something i wasn't aware of and trying to calm itself down ;) creepy!

2. candle.
my favorite smelling candle of all time is "fresh cotton" by mainstays. or ANY of the fresh laundry scents out there. i light one up (a candurrr that is... not a doob...) sit on the floor by my bed with my legs crossed indian style, and stare into the mirror thats on the back of my bedroom door. whilst looking at myself, i take stock of where i've been in my life, what i've done right, and the things i look forward to doing in the future. i also note changes in my face. wrinkles, sags, lines :) being able to physically SEE myself getting older calms me down. i just think of how im getting farther and farther away from that little girl who was picked on and hated herself. i am my own creation now. and i take comfort and pride in overcoming my past.

3. humming.
this is probably the creepiest thing i do to chill out. and i only started doing it this last year. there were times earlier this year, when i would get so upset i literally wouldn't know what to do with myself. and i had to channel that- for lack of a better word: rage- into something else. one of my favorite movies is called "The House of Yes". the whole thing is entirely creepy and quirky, and at one part the main character is coming completely unhinged. she brushes all her hair into her face and leans over the bathroom sink humming loudly and shaking. then it gets softer and softer and softer, and she whips her head back and smoothes her hair down, and smiles. it is SO. MANIC and unsettling and creepy. and guess what? it works. whenever i feel my emotions about to REALLY get the best of me (which hasn't happened in months) i would just close my eyes and quietly hum. one note, one pitch, for as long as i could. take a deep breath, and do it again. very softly. it creates this buzzing in your head and whole body that COMPLETELY mellows you out and makes you feel a little drunk.

4. letters.
if i need to say something to someone but have no right to yell at them about said thing- i write a letter. i have HUNDREDS of unsent letters in a folder called "documents" on my computer. its a nasty, nasty folder. i write these SCATHING letters to people about how their behavior has hurt me, and i stick them in that folder. sometimes i go back for DAYS and edit them, taking out certain lines and re-writing them making them meaner and more bitey. i edit and re-write the letters until i reach the point where i'm actually apologizing to THEM for my angry behavior, and then i just let it go. even if, because of circumstance, you can't talk TO a person about how they've upset and hurt you, you CAN work it out on your own in a mature and constructive way.

5. meditating.
something i started doing late last year, was meditating. it took a LOOOOOONG time for the calmness of meditation to kick in. im not kidding. i'd say around 6 months. but i was going through something bad in those 6 months, and i was grasping at straws. but i stuck with it- and now it helps IMMEDIATELY and for every single little thing i can think of. i start and end each day by meditating outside. when i wake up, i have to take my dogs outside. while they play, i sit on the pool cover, turn my face up to the sky, and breathe deeply. every morning. and every night. it centers me first thing in the morning, and calms me down at night. its become something i can't live without. when i travel, i go into a bathroom and do it. i turn on the water and sit on the edge of the bathtub, facing a window if possible, and just breathe. i make a concentrated effort to smile, and i list all the reasons my life is awesome in my head, and end it with stretching up as high as i can, and then bending over and putting my palms flat on the floor. then i'm ready for my day.

6. pacing.
i'm a pacer. i really am. it helps me a lot when i'm sorting stuff out in my head. it also helps when i'm upset. when i ran my own company, i used to excuse myself from rehearsals or meetings to go pace in the hallway or outside. if i get stuck on an idea, or i'm having a very intense conversation with someone on the phone, or i'm uncomfortable in anyway, i will start pacing. it's either that or scream. and pacing is the quieter of the two ;)

7. explode.
if i REALLY need to get something out, i am SO blessed to have friends that i can call and scream to. i will just say "do you have 5 minutes? i need to get something out" and then they know that whatever emotion is about to come flooding out of me isn't directed at them. i know for a fact when i do this to my best friend he doesn't even listen. he just goes about his day and let's me unload. then i feel better, he offers me tiny advice if i need or want it, or if not, he then unloads on me, and we're done. it REALLY, REALLY helps to say your problems out loud to someone. i would have absolutely died this last year without good friends to talk stuff out with. it gets you out of your head and helps you focus on reality instead of however your brain is distorting the situation.

8. t.v.
if i don't have a problem that i need to get out, and i'm just in need of some mellow-out time, tv is KEY. i can zone out in front of a television for DAAAAAYS. i don't anymore, but i used to. now i'll watch an hour or two and fall asleep ;) but i LOVE. tv. always have. always will.

9. cuddling.
there is nothing like spooning or being spooned, hugging or being hugged- to chill me right the eff out. feeling like you're protecting someone, or better yet- like someone cares enough to protect you is the greatest gift in my life. i love to feel someone close to me, guarding me. to feel like someones on my side and will protect me from the world. i feel totally out on a limb by myself 99% of the time. so to have someone wrap their arms around me provides a comfort i feel nowhere else at no other time. its invaluable <3

10. blogging.
this is my safe place. where i get to say WHATEVER i want and not have to worry about how it affects other people. because if you don't like it- you don't have to read it! and if you're going to think less of me for something you read here- you're not the kind of friend i want. and if you're going to base your entire opinion of me on what i write here- i don't need that kind of constriction. blogging is just a way for me to blow off steam, and to share, and to be creative. no one thing defines any of us. so i don't worry about being judged here, and i don't censor myself here. it's incredibly freeing to say exactly what you mean and put it out into the world.

how do you unwind?
<3

25 random things i've noticed about myself lately...

11/09/2011

in no particular order.
1. since i've been cooking for myself more and more lately, i've noticed that i have to clean up as i go. when something is cooking i wipe the counter. when something is baking i wash the pans... im not someone who can take out 9 pans and have oil all over the place and crumbs and crud amidst my new food. yuck. i can't save cleaning til the end. by then i'm exhausted and just want to eat it and sleep. clean as you go folks. saves major time.

2. ive completely effed up my ankerrr skating. yes, i am still training for roller derby :) i decided not to GO to any training seshes because im actually kind of scared of getting really hurt... which i've never been before. but i have to go to the doctor tomorrow to have an x-ray taken of my left ankle. i've sprained or strained it... or torn it... or something. i can hardly put any weight on it and .... well... its purple. all the time. :/

3. im super protective of my friends. its fine if i have a problem with them, but the second anyone else starts talking crap about someone i love, its bad news city. and they know.

4. i super love mint green still. WHAT GIVES?!

5. i abhor vegetable lasagna with white sauce. BARRRRRRRF.

6. nippy weather makes me happiest of all.

7. trimming my hair every few days (ok every day) i think... has become my way of cutting myself. it doesn't feel great anymore. now its more like: "IM GOING TO DIE ALONEEEEEEEEE. CHOPPPPPPPPPPP. I HATE MYSELF." ok. not that bad. but i've had to hide the scissors.

8. i hate sleeping alone. it makes me more sad than i could ever say.

9. my space heater is my current best friend.

10. im finding it extremely hard to get motivated these days. my fall check list isn't even gonna get close to finished. what happened? winter blues i guess. but its hitting hard this year :/

11. i hate texting. just call me. if i can't talk- i won't talk. but i can't stand texting anymore. i just cant. its so unpersonal.

12. "new girl" has shot all the way up on my favorite tv shows of all time list. it is now no. 2. the only one it hasn't surpassed is "sex and the city"... and if they keep the flirtation with nick and jess going for a few more seasons before giving in, it will pass it in no time.

13. i complain about myself in my head all the time. "no wonder you're alone. you're ugly. you're so fat." why? i'm friggin' awesome. last week i put a yellow rubber band around my right wrist and i snap it HARD whenever i catch myself thinking hurtful thoughts. you'd be surprised how fast that worked, and how much time it's freed up to think about my failed relationships. yeah. that's next on the snap list.

14. i've calmed down. i got super pissed last night about something, and that was the first time, seriously, in MONTHS i can remember even feeling SOMEWHAT angry. things upset me, but ANGRY? no. i rarely feel that emotion anymore. it takes talking about child abuse or something equally awful to really get me going now. that feels good.

15. i never feel uncomfortable anymore. im completely at ease with myself and my place in the world. not that i know what that is yet, but whatever it is- it is. its happening. i don't really bother with social anxiety anymore.

16. people are kinder than we give them credit for.

17. i give people too much credit.

18. i hate every mailing association known to man.

19. my skin gets super, DUPER dry in november.

20. i still have a thing for accents. it doesn't even matter what kind. as long as its not american, im duped.

21. my motion sickness is getting worse, not better. i can't ride roller coasters anymore without almost barfing :(

22. my entire day can be fixed by elyse writing *big hug*

23. im convinced marilyn and i were each other in previous lives. absolutely convinced. i think something, and then she texts it to me. its uncanny.

24. my heart bleeds for narwhals. the "save the narwhals" association now gets $19 of my dollars every single month.

25. im a 100% collaborative person. so im sad these days. i miss my friends, and i miss being part of something great. like a couple, or a group, or a show, or a writing partnership, or a building something team. when i entered 9th grade we took personality tests. i was a 100% sanguine. we took them again our last week of 12th grade right before we graduated. i had turned 100% melancholy from the bullying i endured. that followed me the entire way through my 20's and into my 30's. i believe i'm now starting to grow back into sanguine traits. i love being around people all the time, im not concerned with what people say about me, or if they like me or not... i have a million different projects going on, and i get sad when im forced into reclusion by momentary circumstance. i.e. money or time constraints. i'm collaborative. i love to share and be shared with. so here's to many new adventures in november and december :)

kbye. <3