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today's picture story: monterey bay aquarium

06/14/2011

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ok its 11:28 pm and i just got home from rehearsal and im gonna try to whip this story out before midnight!!!!!
Picture
so... im going to talk about a person tonight. im pretty sure they've either died, or have amnesia and don't even remember i exist. either way, i feel completely confident that they will NEVER see this, so i can say what i please :) 

ok i lied. not really a person, but a FEELING. a memory. sense memory. a lasting memory.
this picture holds some very special memories for me. this was taken at the monterey bay aquarium.

if you live in california, you have no doubt seen the commercials about the aquarium that have INUNDATED every single commercial break for the last few months. i guess they're gearing up for summer... most people visit the aquarium then...  and today's story is about the last time i was there.

the tag lines of these commercials are "monterey bay aquarium... fall in love". and EVERY TIME i have to close my eyes, take a deep breath and remind myself that im ok, because thats EXACTLY what i was doing the last time i was there. monterey holds SO many special memories for me. especially the aquarium now. i remember every single little thing about the day this picture represents. every feeling. every butterfly. every stolen moment. it was without a doubt- one of the best days of my entire life. i dont know when i've ever felt so connected to someone, or so excited to be a part of something great. something so full of possibility. every time this commercial urges me to "fall in love", part of me does. over and over and over... with that memory. with that day. with the night before it.... and what happened after we left the aquarium... we went to the bluff and shared our first sunset... wrapped around each other... then we went to the santa cruz boardwalk and danced down the center isle... and stole more moments as the sun disappeared into the ocean...

i remember every single SECOND of that day. even the music that was playing, and the tears that fell... the tears that i still don't know why they were falling... the tears i would have given anything to wipe away... the person... the most beautiful person i've ever known... every breath... every look... every move... every touch... every word, every laugh, every smile... the person who stayed the most important person in my life for the next 2 years... the person i still feel with me every single second no matter what... the person i still dream of every night...  the person i would do anything for, and would never even consider saying an unkind word about... the person i would swim through sharks for...
ALL because of this day, and these moments, and how i fell in Love with them this day. more than i've ever Loved anyone in my whole life. those moments... those smiles. how much they meant to me. and still- how much they STILL mean to me. and what i would do to make them smile again... i would give anything to be in the presence of that smile again... to touch the corners i discovered that day... the corners that would break my heart every time i looked at them... to go back to this day again... to go back to how they looked at me... i've never felt such Love in a look. we could write a 15,000 page novel to each other with our eyes... their feet on my feet under the table... always. no matter what. under every table, in every restaurant in every home... all that Love. all those memories. it all started this day. that day. those moments still get me through THESE days. whenever things seem unbearable, i think of that day and how beautiful it was. and i know that since life was that beautiful once- it CAN be that beautiful again.

this day will always represent Love to me. that's just how it is. i wrote the song below about this day... about that time... about that person... there is something so special about the memory of that day... its with me every moment of every day. and today was no different. for some reason, i thought of this day ALL day today. and when i got upset, it was the thing that calmed me down. remembering those moments... holding onto them for as long as i can, even though they hurt now... i dont know. its MINE. those memories are MINE. that Love is MINE. it was OURS. that day at the aquarium will live in my memory forever. and whenever i need to remember something good that has happened, its always, ALWAYS- the first thing that comes to mind.

"monterey bay aquarium... fall in love..."

we did.
thank you God.
<3



my lovely
i had an idea of what we would be
and then you proceeded to will that dream right out of me...
we exceeded my expectations.

it started as nothing, nowhere to begin!
then you found the center of my arm and dared me to win-
you TOTALLY suckered me in...

what do i do? here... now.... without you.... ?

i'm up and over
i'm running slower.
i'm crawling faster- grasping at your breath to KEEP you here...
its hard then smooth
starts rough then softly we move
and i just CANNOT get enough of you-
my Lovely...

we're not in an ideal situation
i can't stress enough how i WISH we could run back to sunset bay
and LIVE in those moments we stole...

i'd not been so happy in SUCH a long time...
to FIND Love, and FEEL Love, and make SUCH Love - only to realize-
i can't really have you at all...

what do i do? 
now that i've lost you....
?

im up and over
im running slower
my chest is rising SO full of the words that you whispered to me...
its hard enough to Love you-
but then NOT to be allowed to KEEP you here...

something about you just drew me right in.
i can't explain! don't ask me to begin...
i'll not find the words to adequately explain to you-
how you blow me away...

now i'm up and over.
i'm running slower
i'm crawling faster 
GRASPING at your breath to keep you here!

its hard then smooth
starts rough... now.... softly we move.
and i just CANNOT get enough of you....

my Lovely.
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5 Things I'm Grateful for Today: Day 13

06/08/2011

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1. books - when i was a kid, books were my escape. now they're the way i connect with a part of me that's seldom unleashed these days.

2. learning - i love when someone can teach you something without trying to prove their point or make you feel stupid. so many people get off on having to be right ALL the time. its unnerving. and unnecessary. and i hate being around people that make me feel like THEY feel they need to put me in my place. i just want to punch them. who the hell do they think they are? but when you meet someone who effortlessly teaches through example, its priceless. and unmatched. someone who DOESN'T have to be right all the time because they know- who the eff cares? and EVERYONE has something valuable to contribute, "right" or not. and i am so grateful to have these kinds of people (as few as they may be) in my life to teach me by simply being themselves. nothing to prove. no need to compete. its a kind of security and calmness that comes with age and maturity and SO few people truly possess it. the power to just BE and LET be.
 and its SO wonderful to be around.

3. love of stories - ive always preferred the long version rather than the short version. i think it stems from my father reading to us every single night as kids. books upon books... EVERY night. without fail. tv and movies are so condensed because of time constraints. but there is no time constraint on a book. and every feeling, every breath, every visual is described down to the goosebumps under the hair on their arms... the way the grass blades rub together to make that "sshshshsshskkskkksshssh" sound in the wind.... there's a reason i was reading full books by the time i was 4 :)  whenever someone says "to make a long story short" i always silently think "nooooo!!!!!!" because i love details, and passion, and just... i dont know. i love stories. <3

4. love of deep conversation - i have absolutely no idea how to make small talk. and to be quite honest, i'm not interested in small talk, and have no clue how to relate to people who are only interested in small talk. i quickly move on. unless you're going to give me some of your actual TIME- im really not interested in connecting with you. i actually won't know how to. im not interested in keeping things on a superficial level. and people who are ONLY interested in small talk don't last very long with me. i just won't feel interested enough to continue.

5. love of connecting - as aforely mentioned, im not interested in small talk. i crave connection with people. and that is absolutely impossible on a face level. i love to be close and share and have REAL relationships with people. and that takes time. you can't sustain a relationship with a "check in" every 3 months or something. i used to be that kind of person, but... everything ive been through in the last few years rid me of that completely. i have learned how few and far between the people are who actually stick around in your life. and im not wasting anymore time on people who aren't going to be with me for the long haul. ive made so many bad decisions in my life. let so many people convince me of doing things i knew full well were a bad idea- because i wanted to feel connected to them. well, from now on, its my choice who i invest in. no more thinking "if someone wants to connect with me i better let them in because no one else might want to." no. i am a prize. i am someone to be loved. so i am now in control of who i connect with. no more settling for scraps. no more settling for "well, when i have time..." no, if i'm important- you'll MAKE time like i MAKE time for you. no more settling for childish people who are only interested in proving me wrong and proving their point once i say "you're too young." i get to choose now. and i am SO GRATEFUL i have reached this point, no matter how much pain i had to go through to get here. ultimately, it will be worth it. because i will have a life filled with stories, and descriptions and passion and connection and quality time... finally. QUALITY time. ive forgotten what that feels like... to be worth someone's time... 
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5 Things I'm Grateful for this Morning: Day 4

05/30/2011

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1. free time - i would HATE to just work my life away, accumulating no memories, having nothing but a job to look back on when i'm old...  if i could make free time my job, i would in a heartbeat. i'd love to just travel, and be in love, stopping occasionally to work and be productive, and then take right off again...

2. work - its a great idea in theory, but im not sure if i only traveled, i would feel any sense of purpose. working and contributing fills me with a sense of change, and an excitement about what i could create with other people. i love working. (but i love free time too ;) )

3. i pick up some things quickly - i am SO Happy to have a functioning brain that allows me to pick up certain things quickly so i can execute ideas as SOON as i come up with them and not waste time planning and hoop jumping... i love it when an idea pops into my head, and an hour later its already finished... and its something i've never done before.

4. some things are a challenge - if EVERYTHING was easy, i would NEVER grow. and to me, growth is what life is all about. becoming the best version of yourself you can, and squeezing all the knowledge out of every experience. when you're the biggest fish in a little pond, there is nothing more to learn, no one to learn FROM... when you're surrounded by people who are better than you'll EVER be, you stretch in ways you didn't even know you could.

5. im grateful i know vulnerability is actually a sign of strength - there's no way around it- hard times suck. but so many people get so sidetracked with acting like there's nothing wrong and making sure everyone knows how FINE they are and that nothing can touch them, that they never heal. they never grow, and ultimately, they hurt themselves worse. there is NOTHING to be gained in pretending. absolutely nothing. im not sure why people do it. the interesting and strong people are the ones who say "i'm not ok and i need help." because then it allows other people in the SAME situations with the same pain to open up too. if you pretend like you're fine, whatever is wrong festers inside of you, hindering the healing process, and everyone will wind up thinking you're cold, and you don't care about anything because you never show weakness. the ability to show your vulnerabilities makes you infinitely stronger than someone who puts on a brave face.
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5 Things I'm Grateful for this Morning: Day 3

05/29/2011

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1. my hands - without my hands i would not be able to make a living, pet my dogs, touch someone's face whom i adore, hold my niece, prepare food, scratch an itch, wash my face, turn on the heater, dial for help, clean up, brush my teeth, pull the covers up, pick myself up when i've fallen down, wipe away tears, high five, put on pants, turn on lights, drive my car...

2. my bed - i sleep in the most comfortable bed that suits me perfectly. unfortunately, it's not comfortable to everyone, but i just have to worry about it for myself right now. and for me, it's perfect. it's in a new place in my room that it's never been in before, therefore it's providing me with a new perspective i've never had before. i spend a lot of time in my bed, on my bed, making my bed, changing my bedding, brushing off dog hair, wrestling with my dogs, working on my computer, reading, daydreaming, stretching, meditating, praying, bouncing... my bed is my favorite place in my house. i really would be kind of lost without it. my bed has been my best friend for the last 8 months. its the only thing that knows all of my secrets. and thank goodness i don't have to worry about it telling on me :)

3. my open mind - maybe it's because my parents never talked to me about anything "controversial" when i was younger so i had the odd opportunity of deciding how i felt about every single thing by myself. they never told me what to feel, or explained how opinion forming things work (like religion or sex or gay or drugs...) so i got to make up my own mind. about everything. i've always had a completely open mind. sex, drugs, smoking, gay, straight, all religions, all races, all jobs, all "disorders"... everything. nothing is ever really "wrong" to me, unless you're mistreating someone. i've never really looked at anything in a condemning way... unless it's hurting others. my open mind continues to get me into trouble, but it also saves me a lot, because i choose to see my lack of judgement as a good thing, rather than the thing that will ultimately be my undoing. i don't think we ever benefit from looking down on others. i know a LOT of people who do, whether they realize it or not. the simplest thing will give you away. and unfortunately, when THEY judge- it really opens them up to be judged for their close mindedness in return.

4. my contacts - seeing is invaluable to me. i know a lot of people pick sight as the number one sense they could live without, but not me. i could never live without seeing. i wouldn't want to. for most people, it's hearing. they couldn't live without hearing, but... dare i say it as a musician, i'd want to lose my hearing over my sight. seeing is so much of living for me. im someone who will just sit and stare, for hours. last night i sat in the apartment and stared into a 40 year old painting for over an hour... sometimes i look at the sky for hours without even realizing it. i look in the mirror and go over every inch of my face as it ages, seeing how i've aged in the last 6 months is astonishing to me. being able to look into the person's eyes i'm in love with... i could NEVER live without that. ever. and without my contacts, i would still be stuck in my glasses. they make me feel dizzy, afraid - because i lose all depth perception in them, and hinder me from resting my face on other faces, my dogs, my pillow... with contacts, i see the world just as it is, with no restrictions. i am more grateful for the invention of contacts than i could ever express.

5. my voice - not my singing voice, or my speaking voice, but my actual voice in the world. i am so grateful i have been given the opportunity through the choices i have made in my life- to be someone that people actually listen to and value. i have a strong voice. i know i do. it's a voice that speaks loudly to the whole world. and some people absolutely HATE my voice. but my voice also helps people. hundreds of people have written to me over the years to say "thank you for saying" such and such "because it gave me the strength to do it too." im not saying im some kind of amazing person, because im not. but i am someone who craves interaction and growth and change and justice. and when you put yourself at risk to speak out about those things, you attract other people who do the same thing... and when you combine voices, you achieve change. and that is something i hope for every single day. <3
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5 Things I'm Grateful for this Morning: Day 2

05/28/2011

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1. bobby pins & hair barrettes. i hate having hair in my eyes. grrrrrrrrooooooooooooooan. thank you bobby pins.

2. detox meds. as much as they've ruined my life the last month and a half, they're also saving my life. i can feel it. completely cleared up my skin. made my hair grow faster instead of falling out. AND, they kill my entire appetite so im wasting away and just bought 9 pairs of amazing jeans at a thrift store for 11 dollars and they ALL FIT PERFECTLY which is a concept that is COMPLETELY foreign to me. i also wore a short skirt yesterday. well, above the knee. which for me is like, a crotch skirt. and it was awesome.

3. watching juniper chase flies. she is SO darling. she will chase flies around the backyard for HOURS upon hours, tail up, tongue out, prancing like a deer... she's the best part of life. <3

4. milk. i can't sleep without it.

5. mascara. PHEW.
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