The Conversation about women’s bodies exists largely outside of us, while it is also directed at (and marketed to) us, and used to define and control us. The Conversation about women happens everywhere, publicly and privately. We are described and detailed, our faces and bodies analyzed and picked apart, our worth ascertained and ascribed based on the reduction of personhood to simple physical objectification. Our voices, our personhood, our potential, and our accomplishments are regularly minimized and muted.
 As an actor and woman who, at times, avails herself of the media, I am painfully aware of the conversation about women’s bodies, and it frequently migrates to my own body. I know this, even though my personal practice is to ignore what is written about me. I do not, for example, read interviews I do with news outlets. I hold that it is none of my business what people think of me. I arrived at this belief after first, when I began working as an actor 18 years ago, reading everything. I evolved into selecting only the “good” pieces to read. Over time, I matured into the understanding that good and bad are equally fanciful interpretations. I do not want to give my power, my self-esteem, or my autonomy, to any person, place, or thing outside myself. I thus abstain from all media about myself. The only thing that matters is how I feel about myself, my personal integrity, and my relationship with my Creator. Of course, it’s wonderful to be held in esteem and fond regard by family, friends, and community, but a central part of my spiritual practice is letting go of otheration. And casting one’s lot with the public is dangerous and self-destructive, and I value myself too much to do that. However, the recent speculation and accusations in March feel different, and my colleagues and friends encouraged me to know what was being said. Consequently, I choose to address it because the conversation was pointedly nasty, gendered, and misogynistic and embodies what all girls and women in our culture, to a greater or lesser degree, endure every day, in ways both outrageous and subtle. The assault on our body image, the hypersexualization of girls and women and subsequent degradation of our sexuality as we walk through the decades, and the general incessant objectification is what this conversation allegedly about my face is really about. A brief analysis demonstrates that the following “conclusions” were all made on the exact same day, March 20, about the exact same woman (me), looking the exact same way, based on the exact same television appearance. The following examples are real, and come from a variety of (so-called!) legitimate news outlets (such as HuffPo, MSNBC, etc.), tabloid press, and social media: One: When I am sick for more than a month and on medication (multiple rounds of steroids), the accusation is that because my face looks puffy, I have “clearly had work done,” with otherwise credible reporters with great bravo “identifying” precisely the procedures I allegedly have had done. Two: When my skin is nearly flawless, and at age 43, I do not yet have visible wrinkles that can be seen on television, I have had “work done,” with media outlets bolstered by consulting with plastic surgeons I have never met who “conclude” what procedures I have “clearly” had. (Notice that this is a “back-handed compliment,” too—I look so good! It simply cannot possibly be real!) Three: When my 2012 face looks different than it did when I filmed Double Jeopardy in 1998, I am accused of having “messed up” my face (polite language here, the F word is being used more often), with a passionate lament that “Ashley has lost her familiar beauty audiences loved her for.” Four: When I have gained weight, going from my usual size two/four to a six/eight after a lazy six months of not exercising, and that weight gain shows in my face and arms, I am a “cow” and a “pig” and I “better watch out” because my husband “is looking for his second wife.” (Did you catch how this one engenders competition and fear between women? How it also suggests that my husband values me based only on my physical appearance? Classic sexism. We won’t even address how extraordinary it is that a size eight would be heckled as “fat.”) Five: In perhaps the coup de grace, when I am acting in a dramatic scene in Missing—the plot stating I am emotionally distressed and have been awake and on the run for days—viewers remarks ranged from “What the f--k did she do to her face?” to cautionary gloating, “Ladies, look at the work!” Footage from “Missing” obviously dates prior to March, and the remarks about how I look while playing a character powerfully illustrate the contagious and vicious nature of the conversation. The accusations and lies, introduced to the public, now apply to me as a woman across space and time; to me as any woman and to me as every woman. That women are joining in the ongoing disassembling of my appearance is salient. Patriarchy is not men. Patriarchy is a system in which both women and men participate. It privileges, inter alia, the interests of boys and men over the bodily integrity, autonomy, and dignity of girls and women. It is subtle, insidious, and never more dangerous than when women passionately deny that they themselves are engaging in it. This abnormal obsession with women’s faces and bodies has become so normal that we (I include myself at times—I absolutely fall for it still) have internalized patriarchy almost seamlessly. We are unable at times to identify ourselves as our own denigrating abusers, or as abusing other girls and women. A case in point is that this conversation was initially promulgated largely by women; a sad and disturbing fact. (That they are professional friends of mine, and know my character and values, is an additional betrayal.) News outlets with whom I do serious work, such as publishing op-eds about preventing HIV, empowering poor youth worldwide, and conflict mineral mining in Democratic Republic of Congo, all ran this “story” without checking with my office first for verification, or offering me the dignity of the opportunity to comment. It’s an indictment of them that they would even consider the content printable, and that they, too, without using time-honored journalistic standards, would perpetuate with un-edifying delight such blatantly gendered, ageist, and mean-spirited content. I hope the sharing of my thoughts can generate a new conversation: Why was a puffy face cause for such a conversation in the first place? How, and why, did people participate? If not in the conversation about me, in parallel ones about women in your sphere? What is the gloating about? What is the condemnation about? What is the self-righteous alleged “all knowing” stance of the media about? How does this symbolize constraints on girls and women, and encroach on our right to be simply as we are, at any given moment? How can we as individuals in our private lives make adjustments that support us in shedding unconscious actions, internalized beliefs, and fears about our worthiness, that perpetuate such meanness? What can we do as families, as groups of friends? Is what girls and women can do different from what boys and men can do? What does this have to do with how women are treated in the workplace? I ask especially how we can leverage strong female-to-female alliances to confront and change that there is no winning here as women. It doesn’t actually matter if we are aging naturally, or resorting to surgical assistance. We experience brutal criticism. The dialogue is constructed so that our bodies are a source of speculation, ridicule, and invalidation, as if they belong to others—and in my case, to the actual public. (I am also aware that inevitably some will comment that because I am a creative person, I have abdicated my right to a distinction between my public and private selves, an additional, albeit related, track of highly distorted thinking that will have to be addressed at another time). If this conversation about me is going to be had, I will do my part to insist that it is a feminist one, because it has been misogynistic from the start. Who makes the fantastic leap from being sick, or gaining some weight over the winter, to a conclusion of plastic surgery? Our culture, that’s who. The insanity has to stop, because as focused on me as it appears to have been, it is about all girls and women. In fact, it’s about boys and men, too, who are equally objectified and ridiculed, according to heteronormative definitions of masculinity that deny the full and dynamic range of their personhood. It affects each and every one of us, in multiple and nefarious ways: our self-image, how we show up in our relationships and at work, our sense of our worth, value, and potential as human beings. Join in—and help change—the Conversation. original article found here
i always worry about living up to advanced billing.
but i just realized that's something we should never worry about.
because those that love you will always see you through rose colored glasses.
and those that don't will embrace you for your flaws.
advanced billing is just another chance to exceed people's expectations of you.
take the opportunity to shine with gratitude and let the failures gracefully fade away ♥
please apply this to everything in your life yesterday, today, and from here on.
Today's topic is well versus good.
It's such a simple little question: How are you? But I've heard from people who feel a twinge of trepidation or even full-blown frustration every time they have to decide whether to say they're good or they're well.
“I'm good” is what you're likely to hear in general conversation, but there are grammar nitpickers out there who will chide you if you say it. The wonderful news is that those nitpickers are wrong: it's perfectly acceptable to say, “I'm good,” and you shouldn't have to shamefully submit to teasing remarks such as the time-honored and leering, “How good are you?" Say "I'm Good" with Confidence. The nitpickers will tell you that well is an adverb (and therefore modifies verbs) and that good is an adjective (and therefore modifies nouns), but the situation isn't that simple.
The key is to understand how linking verbs differ from action verbs. (Trust me, this is worth it so you can look people in the eye and say, “I'm good,” with absolute confidence.)
First, let's talk about action verbs. They're easy; they describe actions. Verbs such as run, jump, and swim are all action verbs. If you want to describe an action verb, you use an adverb like well. You could say: He runs well; she jumps well; they swim well. Well is an adverb that relates to all those action verbs.
Linking verbs, on the other hand, are a little bit more complicated. Linking verbs aren't about actions as much as they are about connecting other words together). They're also sometimes called “copulative verbs.”
I think of the verb to be as the quintessential linking verb. The word is is a form of the verb to be, and if I say, He is yellow, the main purpose of is is really just to link the word he with the word yellow. Other linking verbs include seem, appear, look, become, and verbs that describe senses, such as feel and smell. That isn't a comprehensive list of linking verbs—there are at least 60 in the English language -- but I hope that will give you an idea of how they work.
One complication is that some verbs—such as the sensing verbs—can be both linking verbs and action verbs). A trick that will help you figure out if you're dealing with a linking verb is to see if you can replace the verb with a form of to be; if so, then it's probably a linking verb. For example, you can deduce that feel is a linking verb in the sentence He feels bad because if you replacefeels with the word is, the sentence still makes sense: He is bad. On the other hand, if you have a sentence such as He feels badly, and you replace feels with is, it doesn't make sense anymore: He is badly. So in that case you know that feel is functioning as an action verb.Why Saying "I'm Good" is OK. So now you understand the difference between linking verbs and action verbs. That might seem like a detour on the way to learning why it is OK to say, "I'm good," but it's important because the thing people seem to forget is that it's standard to use adjectives—such as good—after linking verbs. When you do it, they are called predicate adjectives, and they refer back to the noun before the linking verb. That's why, even though good is primarily an adjective, it is OK to say, "I am good": am is a linking verb, and you use adjectives after linking verbs.
Aside from the linking-verb-action-verb trickiness, another reason people get confused about this topic is that well can be both an adverb and a predicate adjective. As I said earlier, in the sentence He swam well, well is an adverb that describes how he swam. But when you say, “I am well,” you're using well as a predicate adjective. That's fine, but most sources say well is reserved to mean “healthy” when it's used in this way. So if you are recovering from a long illness and someone is inquiring about your health, it's appropriate to say, “I am well,” but if you're just describing yourself on a generally good day and nobody's asking specifically about your health, a more appropriate response is, “I am good.”
Finally, it's very important to remember that it's wrong to use good as an adverb after an action verb. For example, it's wrong to say, “He swam good.” Cringe! The proper sentence is He swam well, because swam is an action verb and it needs an adverb to describe it. Remember, you can only use adjectives such as good and bad after linking verbs, you can't use them after action verbs.(taken from Grammar Girl)
there seems to be a theme in this world, and among my friends.
denial.
i've never really been much on denial. never ever i guess.
denial keeps you from growing, and keeps you from the things you need and want.
there's no use in denial.
so why then do i constantly have conversations like this:
friend: i can't believe he's moving on.
me: well did you TELL him you still love him?
friend: not exactly...
me: what exactly did you say?
friend: that i don't love him anymore and that we should both move on...
me: so what exactly are you upset about?
friend: he's moving on...
me: are you serious with this right now?
friend: yeah... why?
me: okay 2 things. 1: he's not a mind reader, nor should he have to be. he should be able to trust you. you say you don't want him- so he's going to believe you. that's a powerful feeling when you're rejected like that. why would he keep doing that to himself even if he DOES love you? you just flat out said there was no hope. so why would he waste his life away? because YOU are a liar? it shouldn't work like that, and you shouldn't do that to someone you say you still love. that's YOUR fault. and 2. why are you LYING? if you want him, why not just say "i want you" and be happy?
friend: i'm scared. i love him, but it's just going to be so hard to make it work.
me: of course it's going to be hard... everything is AWLAYS going to be hard. GET OVER IT.
i don't understand people denying their feelings. the ONLY way i can live is to say what i mean.
truly. it's the ONLY way i can survive.
i've been watching this show called "Revenge" lately, and its SO GOOD.
its like a psychology study on how liars attract liars and psychopaths attract psychopaths and sooner or later-
everyone self-destructs. even over the smallest things...
i dont want to always have to be looking over my shoulder. i don't want to have to make up stories.
i don't want to have to dig myself out of holes. i don't want to have to feel guilty about lying to someone who deserves the truth. i want to know that every interaction i'm having is a REAL interaction because i'm telling the truth, and trusting that the other person is as well.
even on little things. if you ask me something like "have you looked at my facebook today?" and i've looked at it 20 times, i'm going to have to say "yep. i practically stalked you today." it's embarrassing, but why would i lie? you'll laugh, and we'll be done with it. but here's the OTHER side of it: i say NO, and sooner or later, i will trip up with that information. i will rattle off something i saw on your page that you never told me and you're going to say "how did you know that?" and then im going to have to reach for ANOTHER lie, and ANOTHER to cover my tracks. then i'm always going to be worrying about whether or not you believe me (which you SHOULDN'T at this point because i'm untrustworthy and therefore undeserving of your friendship) and it just turns into a huge mess. plus now- you are i are not having a real interaction. its based on lies. even something SO SMALL as that.
i trust that you are going to tell me the truth, because i will ALWAYS tell you the truth.
and if you don't believe me on this- test me. you may not like the results- but it will be a real interaction.i don't lie. i don't save feelings. i don't appease and that is not conditional. everyone always thinks it won't apply to them, but i'm nothing if not consistent. im honest with my best friends, with acquaintances, and with strangers. everyone deserves the exact same respect. its what you DO with that respect that determines how close we're going to be. because let me tell you, whether i let YOU know or not, i KNOW when you're lying to me. and i DO test people. i do it all the time. because i want to make sure i am investing in the right people. and if i catch you in a lie (which you will NEVER catch ME in a lie... trust me... because i DON'T lie...) we're going to have to be done. no matter how hard that is, we're going to have to be done.
unfortunately, these days, if i find out you have lied to me about something even as small as a facebook check, i just cannot have you in my life. after being lied to for years upon years by people i considered close friends or family- there is NO ROOM in my life for liars now. so even if you're going to fudge a detail here and there... even if you're going to spare my feelings and tell me i don't look so fat these days... even if you're going to tell me someone likes me when they don't- or that you don't feel anything for me when you do- we are NOT having a real interaction, and therefore- you are not worthy of me. you are only worthy of me lying back to you. which is something i will never do. so you just won't get me at all.
if i find out you are lying to me, in ANY way, we are done. i don't care what it is. big or small.
because i would NEVER lie to you. not to save your feelings- and not to save my face.
lying leads down a road that i never want to travel.
so if you're going to lie about ANYTHING- please just save time and stay away from me.
we'll both be a lot happier.
you'll get to lie and be fake and appear exactly how you want to appear to people,
and i will have an honest life filled with real interactions.
your choice.
"the most dangerous secrets a person can bury, are those that we keep from ourselves..."
i just want everything to be beautiful and happy.
i get so confused and completely derailed when i'm confronted with someone who takes, abuses and manipulates.
i stand up for myself in the moment, and i will always stand up for the right,
but then at home, in the privacy of my bedroom, i'm just not sure what to do with certain information.
why? how? how can they do that? why would they WANT to? it's beyond me.
and thank goodness.
i've come to realize that i am an artist through and through.
there isn't a sensible bone in my body. okay. that's not true.
i walk a pretty tight tightrope between fantasy and reality.
i CHOOSE to fall more on the fantasy side.
i think that if every time i fell off my tightrope i fell into reality, i would break into a thousand pieces.
and trust me, i have.
i used to think the point of finding a way to continue living and moving on was to pick up the pieces
and make yourself whole again.
and over the last few months i've come to realize something very important for me:
it's not about picking up the pieces. it's not at all. its about recognizing where those pieces have landed
and building anew upon them.
sometimes when you're shattered, your pieces go flying every which way. i know mine did.
they were virtually unfindable and recognizable.
so why then would i choose to run around to the ends of the earth, gathering up all the broken, battered, hurt, sad, tired and bitter pieces of myself and gluing back together some frankenstein version of the old miserable me?
i wouldn't. and i shall no longer chase those pieces.
from now on i will see those pieces, scattered every which way the wind took them,
as building blocks. i will no longer try to retrieve them. i will leave them be.
and build upon them right where they lay.
i don't want to take the hurt with me anymore.
i have shed enough tears in the last year for 50 lifetimes.
and i'm done fighting.
i'm done fighting MYSELF. i give up. i give in.
at 11:11 am on 11-11-11, i ran outside and yelled about 100 wishes up into the sky.
they all involved another person, or people. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE OF THEM.
yesterday for my birthday, a mere 15 days later, i blew out my 7 candles on the purple cupcake beebs made for me,
and i made one solitary wish. "i wish to be happy."
that's it.
i no longer wish for everything i can possibly think of because i trust that stuff is gonna happen whether i wish for it or not. just like all the bad stuff happened when i didn't wish for it. my life is about balance. (juniper just sneezed and blew snot all over my legs, arms and laptop. see what i mean? i'm waxing philosophical about life's meaning, and something just brought me back down to earth :))
for as long as i can remember, i've totally misunderstood how i was supposed to be living my life.
and i will live it that way no longer.
i wish to be happy. i want to be happy.
i'm going to continue to put that out into the universe and hope it showers back down on me like
summer rain in england.
ive spent my entire life wondering why im so unhappy. so unattractive. so unloved.
so under-appreciated. so ignored. so put upon. so stupid. so clumsy. so fat. so ugly. so whiny. so untalented.
so someone who will never be truly loved...
i will never wonder that again. i will never wonder what's wrong with me again-
because NOTHING is wrong with me.
i wish to be happy.
so all i'm going to think about from now on- is what can get me there.
everything else can sort itself out. i raise the white flag in the mirror.
i call a truce between my thoughts and my heart.
i'll leave you alone if you leave me alone. we can co-exist without driving each other crazy.
i wish to be happy.
i WANT to be happy.
i AM happy.
i have a lot of people talk to me about friendship.
friendship to me is a funny thing. its a two-sided thing.
its an honesty thing, and its work. wonderful rewarding work, but work. a lot if it.
the best friendships can feel like they're NOT work, but let me tell you- they still are.
i have 2 good friends that live in town. marilyn, and alicia. and it is WORK for us to see each other.
there's scheduling, and money, and distance, and.... and... and...
all my other friends are scattered around the world. and we have to WORK to stay in touch and to stay an
ACTIVE part of each others lives.
people filter in and out of my life. that's fine. i bond with people quickly because i am an open, optimistic person
who really wants to connect and share with people. this leads to some foibles on my part.
and just because you're part of my life one day, does not necessarily mean you will be part of my life the next day.
this also doesn't mean i cut people out for no reason. and, unfortunately, i have found it necessary to cut a lot of people out of my life in the past few years. because of what i learned through my relationship with the internet predator and what happened as a result of that, it has made it unflinchingly easy to cut emotional ties, even with the closest friends, when i see a red flag.
let me tell you what i do not allow in my life first, so we can end with the positive.
FRIENDSHIP DO NOTS
-i do not associate with sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists, co-dependents, liars, cheats, gossipers, people who stir up drama or negators.
let's break that down.
if i feel that you are a socio/psychopath, i.e. - if i get the feeling (or find out) that NOTHING you say to me is true, that everything you ever say to me or anyone else is a lie, or its proven to me that that is true- i cannot have you in my life. there will be no discussion. i will just do what is necessary to distance myself from you, and that will be it. i won't try to turn the world against you (unless people i care about begin to emotionally invest in you, i will tell them of my experience with you, and hope they do what's right for them.) i'm not out to get anyone. most of the time when i "cut someone out", their name is never spoken in my life again. im just very truly- done.
if i feel that you are a narcissist, i.e. - if i notice that whenever we talk, you have never once asked me how i am, never once, in 10 years of friendship, or 5, or a year, or whatever. if i notice you feel the need to tell grand stories about your life that i KNOW aren't true. if there is absolutely no reciprocation in the "Friendship" at all- i cannot have you in my life. i can't feel like people are using me. this goes for the above socio/psychopath. i have had a TON of people USE me over the past few years. use me because people they idolize people who know who i am, so they figure if they're friends with me, they can get to the famous people i know. this is such a mind-eff. i can't even describe it. to look around at my life, and realize that not one person is actually my friend for me. they are all just using me to getto someone else. i cannot handle that, and i do not tolerate it. and if at any time i feel like you are using me- that will be the end. on the same note, if i feel a change in you like, all of a sudden the ONLY THING you care about is being known for something, being the best actress, singer, stand up comedian, designer, blogger, bride, pregnant woman... whatever... if your ENTIRE life becomes that- and there is no room for lowly me anymore, no room for your own personal growth anymore, no room for anything anymore but your current obsession of being noticed- why would i stick around? i have no interest in watching your life online. i want to be PART of it. not just there so you can tag me in the background of some picture.
if i feel that you are a co-dependent, i.e. - if i notice that you need to talk to me all the time, if you are way more invested in me than i am in you, if you need me to call you multiple times every day and you have to tell me every single thing that happens to you, or if i start to feel co-dependent with you in any way- i will take a step back. i have to be smart about my friendships. as i said, i form bonds quickly with people. so in my brain, if i'm bonding with you- you are the same kind of honest person i am. this has gotten me mixed up with so many liars, and manipulators, and users. if i feel you are a co-dependent or i feel like im becoming dependent on you - that is a HUGE red flag to me now. huge. we will have to take our relationship very very slow and be mindful of that. or possibly- just not have one at all. i have no interest in repeating old behavior and past mistakes.
if i feel that you are a liar - i cannot have you in my life. full stop. end of discussion. if i find out that you've even lied to me once- about anything- its hard for me to trust you ever again. simply because of what i've been through in the last few years, i cannot have liars of any sort in my life. and that goes for- if i tell you something in confidence and find out you told someone- anyone- it's over. i cannot have my confidences breached. this is such a betrayal to me, and i can't see past it. i know everyone makes mistakes, i certainly do, but liars are such a red flag to me. i cannot allow that influence in my life. ever. i would go so far as to say- if i have a sneaking suspicion that you aren't being fully honest with me, i will pull away almost completely. i just can't be around people who don't have my best interests at heart anymore.
if i feel you are a cheater, i.e. - if i know you cheat on your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, if you're trying to cheat with me, or trying to get me to cheat with you, if i see you get places by using people, if i catch you riding someone's coattails... all of these are red flags. and if we begin by cheating, why would i EVER think you wouldn't cheat on me? i don't believe the phrase "once a cheater always a cheater" is true. because i used to be a cheater. i used to be the kind of person who felt so bad about themselves, that if anyone showed me attention, i would just run to them. but i have turned around so much, it's completely embarrassing to me to ever admit i was EVER that weak, no matter what the reasons were. i can't imagine being a cheater now. in relationships, or friendships. to hurt people who invest in me on purpose is unthinkable. and therefore, i cannot have cheaters in my life. in any way. even if your cheating isn't aimed at me- you are still a cheater. and i can't have that negative influence around me.
if i feel you are a gossip - i can't be around you. there is a big difference to me between sharing information, and gossiping for sport. i am a sharer of truth. like i stated above- if i know for a fact someone is a socio/psychopath, a liar, a cheater, whatever, i am not shy about speaking my mind and trying to protect the people i love from your manipulation. but i'm not in control of people. we all need to make up our own minds. and i have lost many a good friend to a manipulator after i've spoken my mind about it. i told my friend that this person was bad news, and they in turn told the manipulator what i said, and got manipulated right away from me. that's ok. but rest assured if you hear me say something about someone, its something i have experienced MYSELF as truth. i don't make up stories about people for fun, and i don't share half-information... if i say something as truth- it is truth. and therefore, i can't have people who gossip up random stories about people in my life. its just so hurtful to do to the people you claim to love. i would never gossip about my friends. ever.
if i feel you thrive on drama, or are a constant negative force- i cannot have you in my life. i have worked so. hard. the last few years to rid my life of negative influences. this blog is another step to further that progress, and maybe explain a little about why i am so steadfast in who i allow in my life and who i don't. after you're betrayed by the people who are closest to you, you begin to evaluate- not only how you make decisions about your friends- but how you make decisions about EVERYTHING. despite all that i've found myself caught up in in the past few years, i am a fantastic judge of character. sometimes it takes a bit for me to see someone's true colors because i really do try to give people the benefit of the doubt. but once i see a red flag as noted above, i quickly put the rest of the pieces together and can make my decision quite quickly. i had this conversation with marilyn last night- if i feel like my life is calm and happy and running smoothly, and then when YOU are around it's dramatic, and i'm hurt and questioning myself and others, and you make me feel bad about myself, you make me feel like i don't know who i am or you think i need to CHANGE myself.... you are a negative influence. if every few days or weeks or something we have an argument or misunderstanding that goes beyond normal "getting to know you" kinks (because i never truly argue with my best friends because we all work hard to understand each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt- ALWAYS...) you are a negative influence. and i will not be able to have you in my life.
i am an open and honest person who wants nothing but honest friendships and connections.
if you come to the table bringing lies, manipulation, need, drama or negative attitudes, i cannot have you in my life.
and i am greatly criticized for this. there are a lot of people out there (that are no longer in my life) who think i'm a horrible person for how i conduct my life. for cutting them out based on the list above. but you know what? i can live with liars, manipulators, narcissists, gossips, users, sociopaths, and cheaters hating me. that doesn't bother me at all- no matter who they are. no matter if they're a random stranger, or if they're an ex-best friend, or if they're family- i can handle it. because if you have a problem with anything on the list above- sorry to say- you just might find yourself on it. because whether you write your list out like i have done or not, the only people i am interested in having in my life are people who live their life with the exact same list. because if you make excuses for the behavior above, it means you allow yourself to be influenced. and that means i can't trust you. on the same note- if you take everything i say as gospel without figuring it out for yourself, we will have problems. because i have no interest in being catered to. coddled. we all have to be strong and think for ourselves. and if that bonds us, wonderful. and if that separates us, so be it. but that's the only way our lives will be what we WANT them to be... is if we have a CLEAR. PLAN. and this is my plan.
and the last thing on this list which i did not list above, is- if i feel that you simply don't value me like i value you, our relationship will come to a close. i have had this in the past, and have let it go on for months, and YEARS. its so damaging to one's self esteem. but i have reached the age where i don't WANT to be friends with people just to be friends. i want to be friends to HAVE FRIENDS. to have experiences and adventures, and love and life, and support and give support, and... and... and... and if i feel like, at any time, i'm not getting back what i'm giving- i will talk to you about it. i will say "i feel like this relationship is one sided, and its hurting me." and sometimes i'm doing something that is hurting the other person that i don't even realize, or sometimes they just say "ok! i'm sorry!" and we move on. but NOTHING is solved by keeping silent. sometimes they say "oh no no no. you're SO important to me. i can't imagine my life without you." but then don't talk to me for a month. or two. don't involve me in their life in ANY way, let alone be an actual friend who SHARES their life with me... and the list goes on. it is then that i feel it necessary to bring the "Friendship" to a close. like i said- people filter in and out of our lives. sometimes its 6 months. sometimes its a year, or 5. sometimes, unfortunately, its 15, or 20. but that amount of time is still a cycle. and its still ok to outgrow people. i don't HATE these people for growing past me (anymore, last year and previously i have felt unbelievably betrayed by people who drop me. but now i realize its just part of life to outgrow people) - and i don't think acknowledging its time to move on makes me a bad person or makes them bad people. we grow up. our interests change. our plans and values change. its natural. its FINE. but when its time to let go of a friendship, i do. for whatever reason, it has become something that is so cut and dry for me. people don't understand how i can just "Drop" someone i've been close with for 10, 15 years. well, the answer to that is- no one is ever just DROPPED from my life. it takes considerable time and consideration and honestly- hurt, on my part to move on from a friend permanently. its no small thing to get to that place. but when i make the decision, i take comfort in my reasons, and truthfully, its actually VERY easy for me to move on from someone i can tell doesn't care about me. very, VERY easy. because its in the actions. not the words. and if they can never be bothered to make time for me, i can't be bothered to make excuses for them any longer. no matter who they are and no matter what we once meant to each other. they are now a negative influence. and are no longer worthy of a spot in my life, just like they have shown me i am no longer worth their time.
so those are my friendship don'ts.
let's now focus on the do's :)
FRIENDSHIP PLEASE DO's
-i associate with truth seekers, well balanced individuals, mature creators, young-at-heart adventurers, honest engines, encouragers, steadfasts, people who stir up inspiration and excitement.
let's break that down.
if i feel you are a truth seeker, i.e. - if i feel like you are someone who loves to figure things out, who never lies, who yearns for honest connection with other people, who is greatly flawed (like me) but is honest about the fact that there's nothing wrong with that, and wants other people to be comfortable in their journey too - i will fall for you. big time. (like the play... cool play ;))
people who are brutally honest just capture my heart. i value honesty above all other gestures. its a good friend who can say to me "you're wrong and here's why", and it opens my eyes and helps me change. THOSE are the people i want in my life. people who want the best for each other. not people who tip toe around, worried they're going to hurt my precious feelings and allow themselves to be walked all over because i have no clue i'm doing it. stick up for yourself. you KNOW i stick up for MYself. we're equals. assert yourself.
people who, may be a little crazy as we all are, but for the most part are WELL BALANCED individuals. it is no small thing to be well balanced. its taken me almost 34 years to get there. and i still have my moments of feeling on shaky ground and not really knowing who i am, but i am consistent in how i treat others, and how i allow myself to be treated. and THAT is what i mean by well balanced. people who are putting in the time to figure themselves out- no matter HOW hard that is, and no matter how much it hurts to dig deep into yourself. they are trying to grow and figure things out. and to be good people along the way.
people who are creative and dramatic- in the GOOD way. not the crazy theatre people who can't keep their pants on, or have to have drama surrounding them every minute. the MATURE creators. the ones who are in it for the craft, and for the love of connection with other creators.
the young at heart adventurers! because no matter how much i mature and solidify my mind and resolve, i will always be a kid at heart. that will never go away. i will always laugh loud, and not mind getting dirty, and leave on a road trip at a moments notice, and spend all my money doing something recklessly fun... and i long to surround myself with those same spirits.
the honest engines. the ones who are truth CRUSADERS. to the BONE. the ones who would never lie to you to spare your feelings because they know that sparing your feelings isn't being honest, and therefore- is not in your best interests.
the ones who encourage and want everyone to succeed. who will applaud you from afar, and who inspire you to applaud the world as well.
the steadfasts. those who cannot be moved to the bad side no matter WHO goes there before them. they could watch the entire WORLD walk into the sea, and they'd still be the only ones standing on the beach in the wind, watching the sun go down, and watching the world fade away. knowing that even though they are completely alone in this moment, soon the tides will change and the sun will rise, and it will usher in a new beginning.
the ones who breeze into a room and the entire room starts to glow. the sunshine souls. marilyn said we are like that, last night. it made my heart soar. the inventors and creators and breaths of fresh air. THESE are my friends. these are my life. these are the people i have worked SO. HARD. to surround myself with. to cut out ALL negative influences and focus on them. they are worth what it took to get here. i am worth it too.
and one last way im able to live as i do. since my 5 year old niece has become my reason for, pretty much everything, its gotten really easy to determine who i should be around. i simply think: "would i want this person holding bug?" and if the answer is no, they are out. and that simply, is it. and i just don't think that makes me a bad person. sure. i've started living my life by a bit of a code. after what i've been through, i have to. i had to go back and re-evaluate absolutely everything this year- because i was investing in ALL the wrong people. i had NO code. if you wanted in, you were in. and you got my whole heart and soul with absolutely no work or proving that you were worth it. and that's not what friendship and love is. its work. you should HAVE to work for my heart. i have to work for yours... love and friendship is proving yourself worthy TIME after TIME after TIME. i've had to... why shouldn't you? why shouldn't i EXPECT you to? i'm not perfect. no one is. but i don't want to EVER be a negative influence in the world. i don't want to bring people down. to hurt. to take. to manipulate situations to my favor. i DON'T want to be that. i don't want to BE that.
i want to give people power. power to make themselves strong. to hand them on a silver platter some of the strength i have accrued through my experiences and to say to them- IT IS POSSIBLE TO HAVE A HAPPY, STABLE LIFE. some of us have things thrown at us that make blogs like this necessary. some people will NEVER understand what i'm talking about because they will never experience a FRACTION of what i've been through. and i haven't experienced even a GLIMPSE of what some other people have been through. i am a weak, young, immature baby compared to some of the people out there. but for who i am today, to myself, this is how it has to be. this is how i choose to live. with these guidelines. and these expectations of myself and others. i'm not saying you can't be the things i listed. i'm just saying i simply can't be around them. i have no expectations of you. it's up to me to make my life what i want it to be. and right now, this is how i have to do it.
i would NEVER hurt anyone the way i've been hurt.
so why would i EVER allow it to be done to me again?
i hate people that always have to be right no matter what.
it really is a major, MAJOR character flaw to me when someone has to prove themselves all over you, or someone else.
they have to make sure you (and everyone) knows that they spell everything correctly, say everything correctly, know the most about any given subject, and GOD FORBID you challenge what they perceive as correctness in ANY way.
if you do happen to make such a mistake, be prepared for a barrage of texts, calls, emails, links, recordings,
whatever they need to prove that THEY are the ones who really know what's going on. "see? this is how is REALLY goes..."
it just drives me crazy.
let it GO, person. what is WRONG with you that you have to do that to people?
your friends. your family. people you don't know.
who the eff CARES what you think is wrong and right?
who the eff cares what IS wrong and right?
when did we become a people who can only do things one way?
if you say it that way, why can't i say it this way? because thats not how its SUPPOSED to go?
well, what if i WANT it to be that way? what if i don't care how the entire rest of the earth does something
and want to do it MY way?
why can't you just let me do that instead of having to PROVE how much you're better than me
because you know the REAL way its supposed to go.... ?
one of my biggest pet peeves is when people end sentences in "at".
do i rip out pages from my 1st grade english grammar book to prove to them that i know the right way they're supposed to say it? do i send them links on the internet to all the grammar pages? do i quote lessons and rules and famous people who have spoken on the subject?
NO.
why? BECAUSE WHO THE EFF CARES. if they want to be wrong, LET THEM BE WRONG.
what am i proving by correcting them? that i'm better? smarter? again- WHO THE EFF CARES.
in reality- im definitely not better and im more than likely not smarter.
just because someone happens to do something differently than YOU do, doesn't mean they're WRONG, STUPID, or UNINFORMED. what if they just WANT to do it differently?
and you come in with your corrections and your proof.... what makes you think that by doing that, youre:
A: not embarrassing YOURSELF by showing everyone involved that you're one of those annoying people who has to be right about everything little thing and prove how much smarter and better than everyone you are all the time, or
B: they're not LAUGHING at you and feeling sorry for you because you are OBVIOUSLY one of those people. ???
let me tell you what happens when someone corrects me and then goes overboard in their condescending proof:
IM DONE WITH THEM.
if you think you're so much better than me that you have to SCHOOL me on what's right and how i'm wrong-
i have absolutely NO. ROOM. for you in my life. because guess what- i would NEVER disrespect you like that. EVER.
i have nothing to prove. and i trust that if you wanted information on said subject- you would find it out yourself.
its not my place to inform you. so why would you take it upon yourself to ASSUME i need educating?
its condescending, rude, and proves you're small minded and WILDLY immature.
to always have to be right- is one of the most immature things i can think of.
sure. ending a sentence in "at" is annoying. but they'd say it correctly if they wanted to.
obviously they don't. and if i correct them and they STILL do it, obviously they don't want to learn.
or gasp- MAYBE THEY DON'T CARE. so why do i care? because i want everything to be smart and perfect?
why? what is it within me that needs everyone around me to be in order?
why can't i just go about my life and let others go about theirs?
seriously. it just drives me nuts.
if i say or do or move or anything DIFFERENT than someone who sends me PROOF that their way is better than mine or more correct than mine ONE MORE TIME, im seriously going to slap that person. because im done. i'm done with taking that kind of disrespect from people. never again. the next person who does that to me- is out.
get over yourself.
learn to let things go.
realize you're not better than someone just because you think you know the best way to do everything.
the world doesn't revolve around you.
GROW UP.
and rest assured the person you are currently correcting and proving how smart at everything you are to- is NOT judging you like that. and furthermore would NEVER dream of sending you PROOF that they know better.
so why the fuck do YOU have to disrespect THEM like that?
i don't care what your reason is- you should know better.
grow up.
i repeat 2 things to myself all day long, daily.
"it's never too late to have a happy childhood." that keeps me loose, and helps me not take life too seriously, and it helps me make day to day life special, and squeeze the most fun out of everything.
and "if you want to be happy- BE." that speaks DIRECTLY to my heart and my ego. it helps me let go of EVERYTHING. because anything that holds me back is hindering my happiness. and i have absolutely no time for that. i don't want to waste time feeling bad about something i did that in hindsight i see was very wrong. so i swallow my pride, take responsibility and apologize. guess what happens then? my relationship with the person is strengthened, and we move on. i don't have time to waste regretting, and being melancholy, and thinking about what might have been IF ONLY.... "if only" is very. VERY. dangerous. and i just don't let myself go there anymore. i WANT to be happy. so i am. that's it. there's no hidden subtext there, there's no great secret, and i'm 100% honest with you when i say- i am TRULY happy. there are things i'm working on, but at my CORE- i am 100% happy.
i just posted this as a note on facebook (hadn't written a note in a WHILE, whoo!) but i thought i'd put it here too.
this is just some advice through wisdom i've accrued over the years, through many break ups, and from being on both sides of many break ups. i've been the break upper and i've been the break uppie. both suck. trust me. being the break uppie sucks a LOT more. once i break up with someone, i just move on. i never find it hard. we break up with people for a reason. but here's the thing, and i've been this person too: sometimes we don't WANT to break up. sometimes we break up with someone as a means to an end. as a way to fix things and get back together. but then everything explodes and it becomes something you never thought it would be. i've been there too.
this note is to the people who have broken up with someone, and found themselves regretting it.
look. there is no gain in stubbornness. if you WANT to be with someone, swallow your pride and go be with them.
the world in general has zero time or respect for people who make themselves miserable out of having something to prove. you're only hurting yourself in the long run. because the people you cut out WILL move on without you. and they'll be fine. it's a lesson we all need to learn. i've learned it. you need to learn it too. don't assume you're so special that people can't live without you. they can. and they will. and THAT is where this note is coming from.
********************
there seems to be a similar trend happening with everyone on fb right now. maybe its just the seasons changing, maybe its more... but maybe this applies to you too so let me just say this: if YOU broke up with someone- YOU CAN'T BE MAD OR SAD WHEN THEY MOVE ON!! they wanted you- and you SAID NO! what do you EXPECT them to do?! if you want to be with them, go be with them. if not, shut up with all your melancholy posts.
its time to grow up everyone. say what you want. mean what you say, and back it up with appropriate action. get over your issues, let your baggage go, start each day and each relationship with a clean slate, and BE. HAPPY. take it from one who knows well. all you can do is pick yourself up, and keep going. be a person of integrity. be a GOOD person. want the best for others, and do the best for yourself.
every relationship is work, no matter if its friendship or partnership. don't be passive aggressive. don't play games. either be in someone's life, or don't. but don't expect them to wait around for you if you put them through hell.
figure out what you want. put the work in. be mature. be happy. and be done with it. BOOM.
now everybody dance.
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