what an INCREDIBLE fall it has been.
from ending joseph, to meeting beebs and elyse in real life, to becoming super good friends with both of them,
to seeing alexandra & david again, to living through horror nights, to my insane ohio/chicago/nashville trip, to quality best friend time, to actually going on dates again, to starting to teach lessons again, to seeing my twin for the first time in years, to opening myself back up and learning to talk about my problems and feelings again, to becoming a social person again, to branching out s&bb, to yosemite and back and all the memories in between... it's been an amazingly full and special 3 months of life.

here's what i wanted to do, and here's how i faired.
i didn't get them all, but i got them most. ;)

fall check list results

1. lose 15 - 25 pounds.
* I DID IT! i actually lost 17 pounds... and i think in the last 4 days have gained it all back and then some.
THANK YOU THANKSGIVING, BIRTHDAY, and ICE CREAM ADDICTION.

2. take/plan a thanksgiving or Christmas road trip with john john. (date set: dec. 27 & 28- DISNEYLAND! <3)
* in addition to our awesome fall road trip that we took from chicago to nashville, we have planned an l.a. trip for right after christmas! disneyland is so special to us. it was the first trip we ever took together back when he was 17 and i was 20. i was his teacher and the whole school thought we were having an affair ;) little did they know we were simply soul mates who would never grow apart <3

3. watch 10 sunrises with someone.
* this was the toughest one. it's a LOT easier to get someone to watch the sun SET with you than it is to get someone to get up between 4:30 and 6 to watch it come UP with you... but i persevered. and these are some of the most special (and exhausting) memories this list created this time... watching the sunrise is amazing even when you're by yourself, but there's something special that happens when you watch it with someone you love. your breathing syncs up and it gets real quiet... and there's a mutual appreciation for the moment and beauty and taking the time out in life to find just that.... to find peace... and celebrate beauty... i dont know. like i said- these mornings were pretty special. <3

4. watch 10 sunsets with someone.
* ha ha this one wasn't hard at all :) i will say the sunset on the lake at my aunt's place in ohio was probably the most beautiful one. that, and the one david, alex and i all saw in s.f. it was like the sky was blazing.... it was breathtaking.

5. perform solo at least 5 times.
* only got to 4. better luck next time.

6. start training for roller derby!!!!
* ah HAIL YEAH!!!!! i know i haven't written about it lately because i haven't been skating cuz i effed up my foot & ankerrrr, but i'm still planning on doing roller derby in 2012!! whoooo! i better get used to injuries...

7. have dinner by myself in a really beautiful restaurant.
* this is always a special one for me. i did it on my summer check list too. my enjoyment of this started years ago when i was in columbus visiting my friend brentley. he had a loooooong rehearsal the night i got there and i was STARVING so i went and ate at this GORGEOUS restaurant in the next door hotel. i loved it so much i went there and ate alone, at a window, and watched the sunset the next night before his show :) since then i've done this maybe... oh, 5 times tops. in 5 years. once on my first england trip, one when i moved to london, once in new york, and then once a few months ago at my favorite restaurant in merced, and once last week in mariposa coming home from yosemite. both these places hold countless memories for me and it was lovely to have an excuse to revisit them. sometimes memories hurt, but sometimes you have to just smile and let them take you wherever they're going to take you...

8. expand S&BB, open to the public twice a week. (opening date: dec. 18!!!)
*this is one i am SO EXCITED ABOUT. we're opening our boutique december 18!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! more on that later! <3

9. cut or dye my hair every 4 weeks.
*i was a FIEND about this one! i went from hair down to my back bra strap to a rosemary's baby hair cut! i LOVE it, but i think it looks HORRIBLE on me! LOL! i FEEL great, i just don't think i look very good. last night i told maerls i thought i looked like i could be her dad. ewwwwww.

10. go to at least 5 auditions for things i don't think i'll get.
* nope. didn't go to a single audition. better luck next time.

11. go 7 days in a row without buying a single thing, even gas or food.
* this is always easy for me cuz i'm generally broke ;) kidding! not anymore... but this is still a good one for me. i like to thrift and also shop online a lot and this curbs my collection spending.

12. jump off a cliff.(i'm calling universal studios' halloween horror nights my cliff, because it absolutely terrified me to my very core, i lived through it, and now i feel like nothing will ever scare me again.)
* THIS IS TRUE! i tried, and tried, and tried, and TRIED to find a cliff to jump off of, but seriously- i couldn't! auntie june wanted me to jump off a bridge- but i was CERTAIN i would die in that water, so i didn't. the point was to scare me. not to kill me. so i called living through the most horrific night of terror EVER- my cliff jump. and boy, it was.

13. go camping.
* as SOON as i finish writing this blog, im grabbing my pillows, sleeping bag and blankets and heading outside to sleep under the stars tonight :) im debating whether or not to go sleep in the park... but i think im gonna sleep in my back yard. not SERIOUSLY camping, but sleeping outside is really all i meant for this one. under the trees.... under the stars....

14. stay a night in the stanley hotel.
*i'll be DARNED if i don't cross this off my list within the year. seriously. it's going to happen. it's far away and its hella expensive, but i am DOING. IT.

15. disappear for 3 days and not tell anyone where i go or what i do.
* :)

16. party all night with people i've never met. * this was actually the first one i crossed off my list. i published my "fall check list" blog, and went out that night, and 2 days later could check this one off ;) it was quite the adventure. whoo.

17. take a trip out of the country.
* i had plans to take a trip somewhere i've wanted to go since i was a kid for my birthday- but it just didn't pan out. i'll get there this year though, i can feel it. so i'm in no hurry :)

18. do something absolutely amazing and totally self serving for my birthday.
* ...... and i did :)

19. make a bedspread.
* i KIND OF finished this one so i crossed it off. im going to make a better one in the next few weeks, but i at least made one. it wasn't what i had planned, which was kind of a fabric quilt idea, but i DID make one. i'm also about to make myself a shower curtain. i just got sidetracked with s&bb stuff this month and didn't really have extra time outside of my scheduled sewing to fully do this one justice. but it KINDA got done which is good enough for me :)

20. embrace a new personal style.
*hahahahaha! oh boy. did i ever. i tried to become a gorgeous bohemian goddess, and have ended up looking like justin bieber's creepy uncle.

21. go to chicago to see katie.
* yep. that happened.

22. visit john in nashville.
*going to nashville again was really fun, even if all i did was sleep in john's bed, have him pretend rape me in the shower and eat at my favorite cafe ;) worth it <3 i love him so... its hard to contain <3

23. take a picture with someone who has a rather epic mustache or beard. preferably- someone who will let me write an entire blog about it.
*im crossing this one off because i challenged my friend evan to grow a throat beard in november and he accepted the challenge! we're having dinner and a photo shoot for the blog this coming saturday night! YES!!!!!!!! wait til you see how cute this man is... my goodness...

24. take my dogs somewhere spectacular where they can go nuts.
* man... san francisco... knights ferry... yosemite... they had a lot of really special trips, not to mention the trips to the dog park. i want them to be the happiest dogs in the world <3

25. go to yosemite.
* this one almost didn't happen. we planned it for TWO MONTHS, and finally thought we had it down. but then all the plans fell apart AGAIN. but i was HAIL BENT on making it to yosemite to see the fall colors and have the dogs swim down the river. i am SO. GLAD. i took them. i went alone. and it was SO. BEAUTIFUL. it was more than i hoped it would be. good things happen when you put yourself out there. <3 plus i crossed 3 things off my list that day that NEVER would have gotten done had i not gone :)

26. audition for something huge in l.a.
* nope. didn't go to any auditions. better luck next time :)

27. meet 5 people i only know online in real life.
* this was fun. i was going to write a blog about each of them, but decided just the fact that i get to call them REAL LIFE FRIENDS now is enough :) someday i'll write a blog about all the people in my life that i met online. surprisingly- most of the people i call "close friends" now are people i met online.

28. go horseback riding at least 3 times.
* i don't think i even SAW a horse in the last 3 months. this was a weird one... i have these 10 riding sessions that i paid for a year or 2 ago for someone that never got used and i have YET to use so i thought i'd use them up this fall. maybe in the spring :)

29. find where i'll be moving.
* im so excited :)

30. find my new secret place.
* i decided that rather than letting memories ruin my favorite place in the entire world for me, i was going to take it back and keep my favorite place the same. so out with the new, in with the old. it was mine before i shared it. and im taking it back for me. <3

i didn't do as well as i'd hoped, but 24 outta 30 still ain't bad :) even though i wanted to finish everything like i did with my summer check list, i'm still extremely proud of all i accomplished in the last 3 months. most people make a list of 30 things they want to do in a whole YEAR. i decided to take a year and fill each month with 10 things and chronicle them in 3 month increments. and so far- they've been 6 of the fullest months of my whole entire life. i know this is something i'm going to continue... far beyond this year...

thank you for all your support the last 3 months, and thank you to all who helped me cross things off my list! especially marilyn, elyse, and john john. i can't wait for the next 3!!!! <3
 
 
there are some things that are beyond explanation.
like how this song hurts...

it does something to that place deep within me that will always ache for love...
"i surrender who i've been for who you are..."
 
 
i just want everything to be beautiful and happy.
i get so confused and completely derailed when i'm confronted with someone who takes, abuses and manipulates.
i stand up for myself in the moment, and i will always stand up for the right,
but then at home, in the privacy of my bedroom, i'm just not sure what to do with certain information.
why? how? how can they do that? why would they WANT to? it's beyond me. 
and thank goodness.

i've come to realize that i am an artist through and through.
there isn't a sensible bone in my body. okay. that's not true.
i walk a pretty tight tightrope between fantasy and reality.
i CHOOSE to fall more on the fantasy side.
i think that if every time i fell off my tightrope i fell into reality, i would break into a thousand pieces.

and trust me, i have. 
i used to think the point of finding a way to continue living and moving on was to pick up the pieces
and make yourself whole again.

and over the last few months i've come to realize something very important for me:
it's not about picking up the pieces. it's not at all. its about recognizing where those pieces have landed
and building anew upon them.

sometimes when you're shattered, your pieces go flying every which way. i know mine did.
they were virtually unfindable and recognizable.

so why then would i choose to run around to the ends of the earth, gathering up all the broken, battered, hurt, sad, tired and bitter pieces of myself and gluing back together some frankenstein version of the old miserable me?

i wouldn't. and i shall no longer chase those pieces.
from now on i will see those pieces, scattered every which way the wind took them,
as building blocks. i will no longer try to retrieve them. i will leave them be.
and build upon them right where they lay.

i don't want to take the hurt with me anymore.
i have shed enough tears in the last year for 50 lifetimes.
and i'm done fighting.
i'm done fighting MYSELF. i give up. i give in.

at 11:11 am on 11-11-11, i ran outside and yelled about 100 wishes up into the sky.
they all involved another person, or people. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE OF THEM.

yesterday for my birthday, a mere 15 days later, i blew out my 7 candles on the purple cupcake beebs made for me,
and i made one solitary wish. "i wish to be happy."

that's it.
i no longer wish for everything i can possibly think of because i trust that stuff is gonna happen whether i wish for it or not. just like all the bad stuff happened when i didn't wish for it. my life is about balance. (juniper just sneezed and blew snot all over my legs, arms and laptop. see what i mean? i'm waxing philosophical about life's meaning, and something just brought me back down to earth :))

for as long as i can remember, i've totally misunderstood how i was supposed to be living my life. 
and i will live it that way no longer.
i wish to be happy. i want to be happy. 
i'm going to continue to put that out into the universe and hope it showers back down on me like 
summer rain in england.

ive spent my entire life wondering why im so unhappy. so unattractive. so unloved.
so under-appreciated. so ignored. so put upon. so stupid. so clumsy. so fat. so ugly. so whiny. so untalented.
so someone who will never be truly loved...

i will never wonder that again. i will never wonder what's wrong with me again-
because NOTHING is wrong with me.

i wish to be happy.
so all i'm going to think about from now on- is what can get me there.
everything else can sort itself out. i raise the white flag in the mirror.
i call a truce between my thoughts and my heart. 
i'll leave you alone if you leave me alone. we can co-exist without driving each other crazy.

i wish to be happy.
i WANT to be happy.
i AM happy.

 
 
Beebs here!

Shelly gave me the honor of being in charge of her Saturday blog!
Thank goodness she did. Why? BECAUSE ITS HER BIRTHDAY! 
HAPPY. BIRTHDAY. BOOTS!

I am no where NEAR Shelly when it comes to writing, so you're going to have to bear with me. 

Where do I even begin with boots? I just love her. love love love her. 
I cant believe I went 27 and a half whole years without knowing her. I mean, really? 
You don't know what you're missing. She has provided me with a WHOLE new outlook on life. 
I could never thank her enough for all that she's done. All it took was a "like", then BOOM. bff's. 
I will never forget the first day we met. 
I opened my front door and there she was with arms wide open. Ready and willing to take me in. 
Boy am I glad she did! I cant even begin to tell you how much Shelly has helped me grow as a person. 
She is the definition of a GOOD PERSON.

There is something about her that instantly makes you love her. 
I've never met anyone like that before. She IS my happy place.
I think our Santa Cruz trip is what really did it for me. Thats when I fell in love... with ube. ;) 
but really, hearing about all of her accomplishments and experiences made me think "I want that". 
I have never met another person who appreciates every moment of every day so much. 
If only everyone could be like her. Appreciative. The world would be a better place. 
I cant count how many times I've called my friends after a "beebs n boots day" to tell them how AMAZING my day was. 
I cant help but laugh just thinking about our adventures. I'll tell ya, we are two funny betches. I said it. 

Like I told her, we could light up any room. Why? Because we are two happy people. Merry happy! 
It has come to the point that every thing I do reminds me of her, that's when you know this persons your best friend. 
Here is a small list of things that remind me of the birthday girl.
when i see,hear, think, or taste any of these things... I think of Shelly (boots in a nutshell):

mint green. 
hair.
dogs.
ube.
unicorns.
target lady.
the sky.
the letter "s".
deer.
trees.
stripes.
pink (the f22-something color).
charming charlies.
scarves.
glee.
new girl.
bj's.
earrings.
bridesmaids.
boats.
boots.
birds.
butterflies.
brown ford focus. 
pumpkins. 
mint n chip. 
fall. 
hearts.
Like every friendship we have our ups and downs. You know what? 
That can only make your friendship stronger, and it has.

I have never felt so loved by anyone, I dont think she knows that. 
Did you know that, boots? I have never felt so loved by anyone. 
Words could never measure up to my growing love for Shelly. I am truly blessed to have her in my life. 
I know that sounds super sappy, but I really do thank God everyday for her. 

People are put in your life for a reason. I ALWAYS try to make the best of it. So does she. 
I wish everyone knew how amazing of a person she is. Never a dull moment with my Boots. 
I cant wait to see what the future holds for you, boots!
Its gonna be good, I can feel it. Its happening. Lets celebrate! 

LET'S CELEBRATE SHELLY FRIGGIN' BORT!!!!!!!!!!
I just Love you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

love, Beebs <3
 
 
hay hay :) its my bday tomorrow. i wasn't going to acknowledge it, but i got some super early bday wishes this morning that i just wanted to post here :) im so blessed to know amazing people from all over the world. despite my little snarky comment in the middle of it painting a very accurate picture of what im doing the day before,  my life is so wise and full. and im absolutely floored and incredibly humbled by it <3

thank you to all my friends who make an effort to tell me or show me every single day- that i'm special to you.
i wouldn't have lived through the hardest year of my entire life without you. no way.
i owe you forever and a day. and i'll never stop telling you how special you are to me. <3

i'll add to this as they pop up, but here's my online bday wishes this year :)
im gonna put them all here so i can look back at this on days when things get rough.
and when i get too down on myself, i'll remember there are people out there who care about me.
and you will make a difference.

Birthday Wishes 2 Thousand Aud 11

my babies <3
 
 
still not done with the friends week of thanks :) its going strong, nerds.

one of my favorite parts about having good friends is having them over and planning special things.
throwing partay's where we all sit around talking about how much we love each other...
music... drinks... hugs... pictures... or full on photo shoots... dessert partay's...  jam seshes...
lots to celebrate. and we do :)

this weekend im going to build a beverage cart to take our good times to the next level.
and here's my inspiration...

and for good measure ;)
 
 
soooooooo you know how yesterday was about maerls?
yeah. there's endless reasons why... buuuuuut here's a pretty good one.
i seriously can't even talk about it.
look at the font she DREW.... its the same font i use in my new website circus design...
 i mean.... im dead over here. d.e.a.d.
 
 
so you all know my beebs by now.
if you don't, here is the complete history of beebs - n - boots.

that's not what im going to focus on today.
i am going to focus on one of the best aspects of having a best friend.
best friends help you dream. and thats exactly what my blackbird has inspired me to do again.
just by simply looking at her, im inspired to go out and conquer the world.
she inspires me photographically, business-wise, and homey wise... not to mention straight up inspires me
to be a better person. i kind of view the world double protectively now because of beebs.
before it was like, okay i have to be a hard-ass because bug is watching. now its-
i have to be a hard-ass because bug and beebs are watching and i have to set a good example. 
she makes me a better person. a LOT.

and she's helped me envision a whole new life for myself. one i'd completely forgotten i wanted!!!!
well, not totally, but i didn't think i could do it alone. i always pictured this life with someone specific,
and now- i know i can do it on my own. and that is cottage living!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

years and years ago i lived with one of my best friends (at the time) in an ADORABLE cottage downtown.
it was built in 1907 by twin brothers from new york who married twin sisters from brooklyn.
and they all moved out here together. and the sisters still wanted to live together, so the brothers
built them cottages right next door to each other.

to this day, its my favorite place i've ever lived.

i want to live in a house like that again. and i've started preparing for it!
whether it be a small cottage by the sea, a cabin in the mountains,
an apartment on a hill, or a cramped closet in new york or l.a.,
i am ready to bring the warmth of my new life to a new space :)

i've started gathering new and repurposing old furniture and updating and vintage-izing my existing pieces...
i've been making art for the walls and collecting adorable sheets for the beds.
my problem is, i like 800 different styles. i LOVE vintage, but like mixing it with modern. i love a 50's kitchen, but right next to it i'd have a shabby chic living room, and a bright modern bedroom. im all over the place.
so i need tons and tons of inspiration pictures to help bring my styles together.
i am SO excited to get into my cottage in 2012!!!!! i just absolutely cannot wait.

here are some of my inspiration pictures! I LOVE YOU BEEBS! thank you for inspiring me every day
to live my life to the beautifully maximized fullest. and thank you for reminding me how to dream and plan. <3
 
 
its here kiddos! THANKSGIVING WEEK!
i love Thanksgiving week, because as the only remaining friend hangin' out in my hometown right now,
I KNOW I'M GONNA GET TO SEE EVERYONE THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seeing my old friends, the ones who have stood the test of time, always fills my heart in a really specific way.
i LOVE my new friends... the ones i've known for... say...3 or less years. LOVE them. love love love them.
BUT. there's nothing like hanging out with someone you've known since you were 10. or 16. or 20.
so much can happen in 3 years of friendship... trust me... but it's nothing compared to what's happened in 15 years...

and that's why, this week i will be giving thanks for my friends.
the tried and trues :) the ones who, despite my better efforts to get rid of them, still show up on my doorstep
with hugs and smiles. the ones who, despite their better efforts to get rid of me, i still give the benefit of the doubt to.
its a special lot, these oldies.
i love them. a lot. 

The Oldest Bests
eric: 30 years
john john: 24 years
kellie: 22 years
jason: 18 years
katia: 13 years
courtney: 12 years

the list used to be a lot longer, but unfortunately people grow apart as we grow up. and that's ok.
someday, one of these names might disappear from the list. i HOPE not... but it could. and that's ok too.
i NEVER WANT THAT TO HAPPEN, EVER EVER EVER, but it might. and i'm someone who could live with that now.
wish them the best, and be on our way <3

so there's the olds and we'll talk about them more later,
but today im going to give thanks for a new friend.
elyse. she's asian... try not to hold that against her.

shes super cool and we've known each other online for a few years, and recently met in person...
and she's definitely a kindred spirit.
shes gonna be on this list in 10 years, i can feel it :)

she's helped me a lot with this website redesign (which, though the SORRY SO MESSY signs have disappeared, is very much still being reconstructed) and last night she made me a few more things. 

presents isn't why i love her, but that is one of her love languages- because i get a LOT of presents.
so i thought today, i'd give thanks for elyse. she's amazing. smart, sweet, deep, honest, courageous, and talented.
i don't know why she's hangin' around me, but phew! <3

i love you elyse. thank you for the presents <3
2 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
to hire elyse to design for you (and i highly recommend it: she's the fastest yet most inspired graphic designer i've ever met), enter your info here :) she is a JOY to work with. i wanted something that was so far beyond what she normally creates, (something cartoony and animated and kind of rough and not-perfect looking) and in 10 minutes she was like "sure! how about this? if you hate it we can change it..." aaaaaaaaaand i ordered 80 hundred copies... of her ROUGH DRAFT...  and she stayed up until 10,000 am and i had them when i woke. she is just the best. <3

    Contact Elyse

 
 
for those of you who miss it, here ya go <3
i'd miss it too. i don't think i could ever be anywhere but here for this time of year...
there's absolutely no other magic like it. <3
 

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